I have been sober for almost a year now, and I am not currently dealing with "cravings" or "desires" for alcohol or drugs. I'm dealing with my overactive brain and inconsistent emotional states. But I'll tell ya, I'm not struggling with "what does it all mean." I am trying to figure out "what I mean." Why do I react the way I do in social situations now? Why do I not connect like I want to? Why do I reject or fight the possibility of intimacy?
One thing at a time.
When I am out at a comedy show or even my work party I went to recently, I do okay conversing with a few people I know or like. But if I get caught up in a conversation that I did not initiate I feel like I have completely forgot how to talk to someone. It's not so much anxiety as I get hit with an extreme irritation with small talk, and I just want to end it quickly and walk away as if it's a complete waste of my time. It's bizarre, because I've always been social, even before being a boozehound. It's like I have to find something fascinating about the person or group or people in order to engage them at all. I remember thinking once this past week as I was in the middle of a discussion, "Why am I talking to this guy? He could care less about me and I prefer not to hear anything he has to say. No offense, guy, but you bore the shit out of me."
Drunk or buzzed people are difficult to communicate with because I'm on a different wavelength. The sober people I've been around tend to talk about being sober which is fairly annoying to me now. And normal people, those who aren't in recovery or drinkers, I perceive them to be too conventional to really connect with.
All of what I just said is judgmental, and I'm lumping everyone in three general categories in order to write off having to come out of my self-imposed isolation. It's unhealthy. But that is what's going on in my head right recently. There is a fourth category of a select few people I find unique and who "get me" on some level. I believe I have a desire to find more people that fit in that fourth category. The problem with this is that I have set up self-imposed criteria that are almost impossible for new people I might meet to match up to.
At least I recognize I'm making assumptions of others and putting unrealistic expectations on them. And at least I'm not telling them I'm doing this to them. How big of an asshole would I be then?
"I'm sorry, I'm going to have to interrupt you as I see no point in finishing this conversation. Good luck with talking about yourself at length in the future."
"No, I don't have a sponsor, thanks for asking. Do you genuinely care that I don't have one or is the idea that I've been sober longer than you make you feel self-conscious about your own program? You are aware we could talk about other things than the 12 goddamn steps, right? Or not. I'm going to go get more coffee."
You know what I've told more than one girl before? "Don't fall in love with me." How arrogant is that shit? And I was genuine when I said it, because at the time, all I could think was, "I dig you, but I don't see me falling for you, and if you fall in love with me I'll only hurt you. And I don't want to hurt anyone anymore."
Intro to Psych analysis will tell you that because I have been hurt in the past, I'm avoiding intimacy because I don't want to get hurt again. Man, I wish it was that simple.
I have a history of being in a relationship too long when I know it's over, or maybe I don't try hard enough? Regardless, I don't want to be without that person, but when I'm with her I'm unhappy and unfulfilled. I get complacent and eventually end the relationship and hurt her because I won't communicate.
When you take that history and magnify it with knowing what true love feels like...and I do...what happens is I refuse to even remotely develop a possible relationship if it doesn't "feel" like I think it should. Am I still in love with Her? I think I'm still caught up with the concept of Her. The problem with memories are they aren't true history...they're distorted...you remember what you want to, so the longer you hold on to old memories and want them again the more they change and the more they aren't genuine. However, it doesn't change that I was in love. Now I'm not. And if I don't feel that "thing", it feels like a waste of time.
Completely unfair. I should be lucky anyone finds me appealing. Anxiety-ridden exjunkie alcoholic comedian with baggage. "Ooh, sign me up." Really?
There's a painting by Oskar Kokoschka called "The Tempest (Bride of the Wind)" which shows a man and woman post intercourse. She's sleeping soundly and he's wide awake, almost tortured with way too much going on in his head. I can relate.
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By the way, that's the first time I've said all that shit out loud...and I'll be posting it publicly too. All I have is honesty about my thoughts and feelings. I will hopefully let go of the Her concept, treat the memories of Her as fond memories, and maybe images of Her won't keep visiting me in my dreams. As for reality and the present, I just have to take it day by day, and don't mindfuck myself out of enjoying today. I need to be mindful of today and just deal with these issues as they arise. Give myself a chance and the time to make a connection on whatever level. I think that makes the most sense.
Breathe. And shit.
Wow, okay, all that is out there. I feel better. I really appreciate you sitting there patiently while I poured my heart out.
"Meow!"
(pets resident outdoor cat) Meow indeed. You're right, it isn't always about me. Good talk, kitty.
