Statuses Worth Remembering

I'm sure Facebook will one day be as irrelevant as Myspace has become. I've used both sites as venues for my writing and thoughts, and I'm sure they'll be shut down as soon as they stop making money. I figure Google will be around for a while, which is why I chose Blogger to house my shit permanently.

Here's some Facebook statuses of mine I wanted to keep:

- Skateboarding is not a crime...but the pricing on the clothes should be. $150 jeans? That's just being an asshole.

- When you've been to the edge, looked over it, and made it back alive, you can't be expected to play fucking four square on your phone.

- You will never hear the following sentence coming from the mouth of a loud, screechy drunk chick in a bar: "I feel that objectivism is really underplayed in today's culture."

- The voices in my head whine too much. "Come oooonnnn, John...can't we do something crazy today?" "Waaaaahhhh! I wanna play in traffic!" "Set yourself on fire, please? Oh, you're no fun!"

- ‎"Today is the first day of the rest of your life."
"Yeah? Today is also the last day you get to quote shit to me with getting a cock punch."

- ROT Rally is like Austin's herpes. Austin breaks out in bikers like once or twice a year, and then it clears up.

- I never get to have sex in my dreams. My subconscious is a cock tease.

- 15 years ago, I believed in the mantra "Pain is temporary, glory is forever, and chicks dig scars." Now that I'm 36, I think the reality is: "Chicks are temporary, Scars last forever, and Glory is lost if it's not on YouTube."

- I felt less manly today when I put cinnamon in my coffee, until I pretended that "Cinnamon" was the name of a stripper.

- Last year, Dan Auerbach of the Black Keys did a solo album. You know, when you're in a band of 2, doing a solo album is kind of a dick move.

- A bum asking for change hates it when you pull the Jedi Mind Trick on them. "This isn't the mark you're looking for." (waves hand.) Bum gives dirty look and walks off. Success!

- Taylor Swift is as country as I am an Emo Jew on my period.

You Are Not Your F**cking Khakis

Whenever people ask me, "How are you doing, John?" I answer with quotes from "Fight Club" so I sound like I'm enlightened.

"Hey, John, looking good, man. How are you? Did you find a place to stay?"

"The things you own end up owning you."

"Okaaay...so, how's the job search going? How's finances?"

"It is only after we lose everything that we are free to do anything."

"Riiight. Um...well, you hang in there, alright?"

"I haven't been fucked like that since grade school."

"What??"