My Response to the "Bad American" E-mail

You probably have seen this posted on a website or possibly e-mailed to you. It's a nice example of extreme conservatism that right-wingers send to each other to reinforce the way they feel, regardless of how wrong they might be. They read it and get all excited. "Yeah, preach on, brother! You tell 'em! Pow pow pow!" (Btw, I wasn't implying that they were firing a gun in the air...I was saying they were making that noise with their mouths as they pointed their fingers in the air.)

My friend Roger did a nice job of responding to this with a "Liberal" version, even though he's not one. It was a level-headed respectful retort to this piece of shit chain e-mail. I will not be as nice.

(Original e-mail is in italics.)
This Guy Had The Guts To Put This On The Internet

Yes, it takes a lot of balls to anonymously post over-opinionated bullshit online. Way to go!

YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN

I'm with you so far.

I Am the Liberal-Progressives Worst Nightmare.

Because...you don't use apostrophes when communicating a possessive?

I am an American.

So are those Liberal-Progressives. Does that mean that they are their own worst nightmares too? Liberals must not sleep much.

I am a Master Mason and believe in God.

Oooh a Master Mason. Cool, maybe you can clear up a bet I have with a friend. He thinks that freemasonry is basically an all-white all-male fraternity where the members get together and talk about how they are more American than everybody else and then have a circle-jerk, where I think that they circle-jerk DURING their talk about being more American than everybody else.

I ride Harley Davidson Motorcycles and believe in American products.

When you ride down the street with your loud-ass bike, we make fun of you because you're annoying. "South Park" recently called you a faggot.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some Liberal governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!

No one believes the opposite of this, you knob. Why don't say what you really mean? "I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, and I don't want to pay taxes for anything that does not benefit me directly. This is in direct conflict of what my Lord and Savior preaches, but I love money."

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.

There are a lot of smart Americans who shoot the shit out of each other in gang wars. What a way to take an extreme view and counter it with another extreme view that is just as wrong.

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything. Get over it!

Partially correct. This would be completely correct if racism didn't exist anymore. But it does, so you're going to hear people complain about it. Sometimes their bitching is unjustified and ridiculous, and sometimes it has merit. Why don't you just enjoy being a white male and calm the fuck down?

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, do it in English.

Someone with a thick accent speaking English is still speaking English, douchebag. Did you get your Big Mac? Well then, fuck off.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.

I don't. I believe you have a right to pray to your God when and where you want to as long as it does not infringe on the rights of others...and as long as it doesn't interrupt my fucking day. If I can't buy a pack of smokes because you're in front of me praying at the counter for the check-out girl, I'm going to be a bit upset with you and your god.

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and Willie G. Davidson that makes the awesome Harley Davidson Motorcycles.

So...you like fat guys?

(Roy Rogers wasn't fat...but this little factoid doesn't make my comment any less funny. I'm hysterical.)

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

That's because you're rich.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it.

I feel the exact same way about Tyra Banks.

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut up already.

Yeah, but I bet you've used the n-word more than once, haven't you?

I believe if you don't like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country!
This is AMERICA .We like it the way it is!
If you were born here and don't like it you are free to move to any Socialist country that will have you.

Wanting to change things that are fucked doesn't mean you hate your country, you AM radio-listening Yes Man. You keep thinking things are fine while you go back to your home in the suburbs with the finely manicured lawn and hold your wife and 2.5 kids and your guns while you peak out the window knowing that them damn liberals are coming to take it all away from you! Just keep watching Fox News, shake your fist and go about your day, nimrod, it's working for you so far.

For the record, I'm not personally trying to change anything. I've given up hope a long time ago to change...plus I'm a convicted felon, so I can't vote. Guess it's just Xbox and blogging for me.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution.
Can I get an AMEN on that one?

"Reverend" is just a title because he was ordained in 1968. It's the same as people who go by "Dr." even though they may not practice medicine at a hospital. Just thought I'd clear up that extremely stupid question.

Where do you get YOUR money? Right...none of my fucking business. Now take that and apply it to what you previously said.

He's always neither the problem nor the solution. He's just a loudmouth useless tool...just like everyone you listen to on the radio.

I also think the cops have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are. And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license.

Does anyone object to the cops pulling people over who are breaking the law? What the fuck does that mean?

I think it's good.... And I'm proud that 'God' is written on my money.

Did you know that every dollar has remnants of cocaine and stripper jizz on it?

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I'd agree with you if I hadn't seen a report on MSNBC on the Palm Beach, Florida Ballots that were the big fuck-up in 2000 and haven't improved much in 2008. I'd share the link, but it's on a non-conservative website, so you probably wouldn't go there.

Get a Job and do your part!

Yeah! Whatever the fuck that means! Do the thing that...somebody...expects you to do...or something. Huh?

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

I believe that not everybody lives in Mayberry, and some kids need a little outside help. However, that would cost some of your money that belongs solely to you and your family, so fuck 'em, right?

I believe 'illegal' is illegal no matter what the lawyers think.

You know what was illegal at one time? Women and black people voting. Just because it's currently illegal doesn't mean that it's fucking right. Legalize it!

(By "it" I do not mean pot. I mean "whatever the fuck I want to do that does not infringe on the rights of others".)

I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed in AMERICA !

Be careful with that in Texas or the South...especially around gun-owning types.

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.
If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know.
We want our country back!
We NEED GOD BACK IN OUR COUNTRY!

"God" never left. It's fucking everywhere, man. You're not being religiously persecuted, and no one is out to get ya. Settle down and go to church or something. Jesus.

WE LIVE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE, ONLY BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE!

I have a fucking headache. That was a lot of shit to go through, wasn't it? I feel like making my own e-mail and just saying, "I believe in having the freedom to do whatever the fuck I want as long as it does not infringe on the rights of others...and especially if it annoys or scares everyone who actually liked this original e-mail.

"I believe that people with money will vote Republican, poor people will vote Democrat, and there's a bunch of us reasonable types in the middle who just want to live in a world with a minimal amount of assholes.

"Hey, I'm John Fucking Rabon, and I am the BAD American! I'm pro-gun, pro-drug, pro-porn and, well, pro-fun. So pass the lube and ammunition, motherfuckers, and hold onto something!"

Tweet Twit Twat

I've been asked by a couple of people, "What is Twitter?"

What Twitter Should Wants To Be - A place to check updates of your favorite bands or artists, your friends and family. "Hey, I'm at Opal Divine's right now for happy hour! Who wants to come by?" "Our album is almost complete! We're playing tonight at 11pm at Beerland..." And so on.

What Twitter Actually Is - Let's say you have a friend who's a jagass that likes to send you a text message every time he does something. "I'm out of corn flakes!" SEND "Boy, the line at the grocery store sucks!" SEND "What pants should I wear to bowling tonight?" SEND

Now, imagine you have 50 friends who do the same thing...and you like it, because you're retarded.

That's Twitter.

A Quick Offensive and Cute Story About Me and Audrey

Many of you didn't know this, but Audrey was in the hospital for several days (she's okay, everybody).

While in the hospital, she was flat out miserable. There were bitchy nurses, the food sucked, and she just felt awful. On top of all that, she didn't get to shave like she would at home.

She was complaining about that one day, so I tried to console her. She said, "This sucks. I need to shave. I feel like a dude."

Then she looked at me, and said, "Faggot."

That's my girl.

John Fucking Rabon vs. Bum Part XXVIII

At the Shell Station. I'm about to start my car after putting gas in the Honda, and this little panhandler in standard bum attire runs up to the car.

Him: Yo, yo yo yo, buddy! Hold up...

Me: No, dude, don't even get into your pitch.

Him: Huh? My what?

Me: Pitch. Presentation.

Him: No, man, can I get --

Me: LOOK AT THE GAS PUMP. I just put $1.25 of gas in my car. Fucking sad. Do you think I have any money for you? I should ask you for money.

Him: Aight. Aight. (he starts walking away)

Me: Yeah, I've got bills to pay! Give me a dollar! Hey, don't ignore me! Where are you going? I need bus fare!"

I then began laughing uncontrollably.

Where Do I Go From Here?

Let's say you grab yourself a coffee from 7-Eleven because it was on the way to some place you're walking. You then walk by a Starbuck's, and you see a guy sitting out front taking advantage of free Wi-Fi. He's typing on his laptop like he's important, and he's sipping on a coffee that cost five bucks more than what you paid for at the convenience store. They probably taste the fucking same..actually, your coffee probably tastes better. However, this knob paid the extra five dollars just so he could sit out in public and look important. You glare at him with that feeling that starts eating at your stomach, and you want to just throw your cup at him and say, "Fuck you, shithead! You're not better than me!"

You know that feeling you get in that situation? That's how I feel about everyone.

I guess "disdain" would be the word. I'm thinking that's where my comedy is going. JC Shakespeare gave me the name "Uncle Cranky" almost 10 years ago when I would complain about kids trampling through my yard. But that's nothing compared to where I think I'm headed.

The majority of my act has focused on my knowledge, experiences and poor decisions with alcohol. And hey, I have some goddamn funny shit. The thing is, I quit drinking for good recently, and I really don't want the booze material to define me anymore. It's time for a change of pace...a new direction.

I think I'll call it the Comedy of Contempt, or I'll refer to myself as the Disdainful Comedian. Of course, anyone who knows me is probably thinking, "And this would be different than what you've done in the past how?"

Good point. I don't know.

I just feel like I've been sitting on the sidelines recently. With my felony conviction and my amazing girlfriend, I've kept to myself at home and refrained from providing much commentary on my surroundings or on current events shaping and fucking up this country and the world.

Well, I need to replace the booze bits with fresh, new material filled with...not so much "hate"...how about material filled with irritation and disappointment in everything?

I'll start right now:

Twitter

I've been asked by a couple of people, "What is Twitter?"

What Twitter Should Wants To Be - A place to check updates of your favorite bands or artists, your friends and family. "Hey, I'm at Opal Divine's right now for happy hour! Who wants to come by?" "Our album is almost complete! We're playing tonight at 11pm at Beerland..." And so on.

What Twitter Actually Is - Let's say you have a friend who's a jagass that likes to send you a text message every time he does something. "I'm out of corn flakes!" SEND "Boy, the line at the grocery store sucks!" SEND "What pants should I wear to bowling tonight?" SEND

Now, imagine you have 50 friends who do the same thing...and you like it, because you're retarded.

That's Twitter.