No, THIS Is 40

I was thinking about what to write regarding my 40th birthday. I've been drawing a blank for the most part.

The whole "over the hill" thing really means dick since I've accepted the fact that it's a miracle I actually made it this far. I shouldn't be alive, so needless to say, I enjoyed my birthday...celebrated with someone special, watched "Spaced", ate ice cream...crazy night. Ha.

This was my first birthday in 20 years where I was not drunk nor incarcerated. You might find it unsettling that that's a big deal, but the highlight of my birthday last year was leaving Travis County Jail downtown to Travis County treatment center in beautifully fecaltastic Del Valle. So yes, ice cream and Hulu Plus with Katie kicked ass.

One thing about being 40 in my situation. I am not going to go through a mid-life crisis. I've manufactured enough crises, yeah? Besides, where would I go from skateboarding dishwashing Zen minimalist? Maybe I could dye my hair and stop using proper word spelling in text messages. Hashtag fat fucking chance.

I remember when my dad was 40...I was 15. He was a coach, teacher and preacher. Oh, and a father and husband...and worked on the house, yard and cars. Jesus, dad, I don't know how you did it. I can barely deal with taking care of just myself. I don't try to compare myself to him. It's just a hell of a contrast of lifestyle.

Side note: I'd love to freak out 15 year-old me: "Hey, I'm you at 40. You're a former junkie and drunk with a felony on probation who washes dishes and skateboards as transportation. Stop crying. You also write, do stand-up and are ridiculously happy. Okay, go back to masturbating. My bad."

I am ridiculously happy. I am glad Joss Whedon is not writing and directing my life because if he were, he'd be killing me off right now, that's how good I feel. As I've written before, I know it won't like this forever. Dark times could be right around the corner. I just need to be ready for them and remember that it'll turn around again. You don't fully appreciate the good without the bad, right?

I love taking on life at my own pace. I like being in control of my actions and just letting myself be. "Watching the Wheels" came up on my iPod on shuffle recently, and it means more to me now.

"Well, they shake their heads and they look at me as if I've lost my mind. I tell them there's no hurry, I'm just sitting here doing time."

The Duality of Me

Pogue Colonel: You write "Born to Kill" on your helmet and you wear a peace button. What's that supposed to be, some kind of sick joke? 
Private Joker: No, sir. 
Pogue Colonel: You'd better get your head and your ass wired together, or I will take a giant shit on you. Private Joker: Yes, sir. 
Pogue Colonel: Now answer my question or you'll be standing tall before the man. 
Private Joker: I think I was trying to suggest something about the duality of man, sir. 
Pogue Colonel: The what? 
Private Joker: The duality of man. The Jungian thing, sir.
-- "Full Metal Jacket"

Ah, dualism. It's a term used in many different contexts, but I tend to read and think about mainly moral dualism (classic good vs evil) and the duality in Taoist nature, the yin and yang.

We like to think of our inner struggle as having an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Am I going to listen to the angel more today? Or do I say "fuck it" and listen to the devil? The thing is, I don't really think that angel is always good or the devil is always evil. That "angel" could be wrong because aspects of your belief system might come from being misguided and close-minded. The "devil" wants you to indulge in your desire or your craving, and sometimes going that route might open your mind or be beneficial. Things aren't black and white as most of us know. Calling someone evil means you lack empathy towards that person and that's how you're dealing with their actions. It's easy to categorize yourself as good and someone you oppose evil. We as humans are good at that.

Discovering spirituality has changed how I view others and the world. I have a new conviction to avoid harming living things, harming others and harming myself. My duality has to do with who I was vs who I am trying to be now. I have been reading many books on Buddhism and Zen, and I've been working on myself in sobriety, as I've written about here several times. My progression in "developing my Zen mind" has been healthy and life-changing...but it's also been wrong a bit. I'll try to explain.

I was in a controlled environment aka Travis County treatment aka Jail Lite, so I had no outside distractions (other than really shitty people forced to be there around me all the time). I read "The Four Agreements" and start slow by trying to practice just four principles: 1) be impeccable with your word, 2) don't take anything personally, 3) don't make assumptions, 4) always do your best. Trying to follow those changed my thinking and attitude within days. I went back and revisited principles of Buddhism and began applying those to the best of my ability, and I started meditating every day. These are great things.

The phrase "on a pink cloud" describes someone who is newly sober or newly spiritualized where everything is great and nothing can go wrong again...a temporary euphoria. Then you come off of that cloud, and if you aren't ready for it, life can broadside you and you find yourself using again or dismissing those spiritual principles. I came off that cloud right before they released me in March, so I felt grounded when I was in the real world again. The big issue for me, I now realize, is that I still remember what that temporary euphoria felt like...and I thought that was the Zen state I should be in.

What happen is I tried to be perfect based on what I was reading. If I wasn't having the right view, thought, livelihood, action, speech, effort, mindfulness and concentration, I'd feel like I wasn't "doing this right". Well, I'm aware I am not perfect and that I'm a big old dumb human male. Even knowing this, I still tried to be this image of what I thought I was supposed to be now. I no longer had an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Instead, I had a big fat Buddha on one side and John Fucking Rabon, the "me" of old, on the other.

And then, I read something that smacked me in the face, and I "woke up", in a way. It wasn't a spiritual book that changed my perspective. It was a Hellblazer graphic novel. "Roots of Coincidence", to be specific.

John Constantine

Regarding John Constantine, from Wikipedia: "Although a compassionate humanist who struggles to overcome the influence of both Heaven and Hell over humanity and despite his occasional forays into heroism, Constantine is a foul-mouthed, disillusioned, British cynic who pursues a life of sorcery and danger. His motivation has been attributed to an adrenaline addiction that only the strange and mysterious can sate."

Not to go into the plot of the particular graphic novel, but essentially Constantine could allow another soul (a "good" one) to merge with his which would then make him a more powerful sorcerer and benefit all of mankind. Being the great anti-hero he is, he says "fuck all that" because he wants to live life his way and he's nobody's puppet, even if his way causes himself and others pain and suffering.

How this affected me, besides giving me the urge to dye my hair blond again and wear a trench coat for no good reason, is I realized I can't stop being me. I can work to improve myself on a daily basis. I can practice the Four Agreements and principles of Buddhism to the best of my ability. I can work on my empathy towards others I don't agree with or like. But sometimes I have to let "the old me" out on occasion, because that persona with its attitude its mouthy bullshit is part of me. I am my imperfections, and I can embrace them.

An example of this is that I've been working on not having to be right or not having to win, because it's an ego thing. So, I've avoided getting into arguments both in real life and on social networks, because trying to one up someone on Facebook or even in person when they won't change their opinion is a big empty waste of time, usually. But there needs to be a balance, like in everything. Right, don't fight everybody you think is wrong, but don't not say anything ever. So sure enough, in the middle of thinking about all this a "friend" on Facebook posts the dumbest thing I've read in a long time regarding how "redskin" is not offensive and is instead a term of honor. He could say this because, as he put it, he has "American Indian" blood in him. After a few comments of people saying "amen" and "agreed", I broke my little "let it go" thing and had to say something. Did it change his mind? No. Did I make anyone think about their own bullshit with my response? Probably not. But my gut told me, "Fuck him." My new principles and being sober allowed me to intelligently respond without personal attacks, so there's that. I didn't have to respond at all. But it's in my nature to combat loudly broadcasted stupidity and bullying, even on stupid Facebook. Even on the bus. Even in line at the convenience store. Even at the sober house.

I am aware that telling an ex-coworker on Facebook he used the "I can say that because I have friends who are black" argument means very little in the grand scheme of things, but it just helped things click with me. I wasn't evil in the past. Not everything I was sucked. I can't try to throw everything away because I would just be fighting my nature. I have to trust that being myself will work out because my perception is no longer distorted in a drunken, doped-up haze of self-centered motivation.

I will put my foot in my mouth. But making mistakes is better than doing nothing. Maybe I learn from them and the next time I just put my toe in my mouth.

And all this came from a comic book and a random guy I know who got angry at Bob Costas. Life is weird.

When the Going Gets Tough...

Things are going well for me. I love my job. I love doing stand-up comedy. I enjoy skateboarding and meditation immensely. I go to sleep without stress and wake up the next day refreshed...after coffee. While I don't have money for my own place yet, I am able to afford my probation payments, and I'll be done with those by December.

I went on a date recently like a real boy.

Everything is going my way. And because things are amazing right now, I am already preparing myself for the future when things get bumpy again. Life isn't just all ups and no downs, of course.

I have heard many people in treatment talk about how they always screw things up when everything is going well. I used to think the same way. You convince yourself that you can't be happy, and that's why you sabotage your happiness. You'll hear the same old story..."I was in recovery and drug-free with a good job, and then I decided to go ruin it all."

I do not believe that we fuck things up to ensure we won't remain happy. I think we get comfortable and let our guard down when everything is great. "Oh, I feel fine now...I'll stop taking my meds." "I'm going to kick back today...I'm not going to do my daily workout/meditation." "I don't need to work on myself anymore. I'm good." And so forth.

This is not just about addiction either. There have been times in my life where things were great, and I ended up making bad choices because I wasn't remaining mindful and being aware of what the right choices for me were at the time. My intuition is usually right on...if I'm paying attention to it.

It dawned on me the other day that the reason I got into heroin was not because of other drugs or alcohol and certainly not the fault of the person I was dating who got into it with me. It was because I ignored my gut. I remember the moment of saying "fuck it" after deliberating on whether to try it or not. Something told me it would end poorly, but I chose to ignore it because things were great.

And that's the thing about me and these other addicts I've met. When things got tough, we still managed to fight to keep going, even though we were miserable. When life is kicking my ass, I struggle to stay afloat. I don't let myself drown in despair. I may wait until the last possible moment to get help or do what I need to do, but I pull back from the edge...I pull the plane up before it crashes. It makes me think I should fight just as hard now that things are good. Don't let up just because life has turned around for me. Keep it going, you know?

I don't regret my past choices anymore. In fact, I am thankful for mistakes and the shit I put myself through...I'm older and wiser now because of them. I hopefully won't repeat those cycles as I attempt to maintain self-awareness...I don't want to get comfortable and stop working on myself. I am enjoying my life now, and I cherish every good day...the bad days of the past stay with me and remind me to appreciate today.

My favorite "Fight Club" quote 6 months ago was, "Quit trying to control everything and just let go." Today it is, "May I never be complete. May I never be content."

-----------

I have talked with several friends and relatives recently about issues they have been going through. Regardless of how great everything appears to be on their Facebook page (sigh), these people are going through some trying times right now. I feel for each and every one of you, I do. Life sucks sometimes...it just does.

Keep fighting...do what you can. It gets better. I never thought it would. To put it in perspective, I'd like to post something I wasn't going to show anyone when I wrote it. It was an anonymous blog I wrote related to my heroin addiction, and this was the last entry I wrote in it:

SATURDAY, JULY 24, 2010

Heroin and My Mind

This would be the first update in almost 6 months. I don't kid myself and think that anyone actually reads this. This journal is more for me to track this sickness, this addiction that I have.

You have no idea what heroin does to your brain...unless you've researched it online...then you do. Smartypants. Regardless, the first time you use it, I think it plants itself in your head. The longer you do it, the worse it is in your head. So you stop shooting up for a while because you're going clean. Guess who's sitting there with you every day? The Cravings stay with you, and they can be triggered with something as little as just seeing a 20-dollar bill. That's what happens to me. A twenty or higher triggers thoughts of using.

And you fight it...oh, you fight it, to no avail. The 12-Step Programs say you are "powerless over BLANK"...well, I don't know about people who have a "pot addiction", but I sense they just got caught and feel guilty. People who use junk are definitely powerless. I know at least 5 examples of people who can't or currently don't want to quit the shit right now.

I have to be honest here. I don't know how I'm ever going to shake this shit. Part of me still doesn't want to even though it has led me to lose everything I took for granted in my life: my job, my apartment, and my fiance. I lost all three in the past 30 days or so. And you attempt to deal with this loss at the same time trying to be clean...HA! Good luck, everything in the world screams.

Is Narcotics Anonymous and me going to meetings and working steps enough? Can we beat this motherfucker? I don't know if it's possible.

It gets better.

6 Month Review

I met with Chef to do my 6 month review. It's a great opportunity to provide feedback, receive feedback and ask for a raise. In other places I've worked, my review was always more formal, bland and with my immediate supervisor as opposed to the owner. They were always just standard procedure and a waste of time. But there's a reason I still work where I do. I like being on a first name basis with the owners.

Reviews in an office are such a pain in the ass. You have to fill out a form reviewing yourself, practically defending your employment. You do all the work for your manager, really.

"What are areas in which you feel you have excelled?"
"What are areas in which you feel you could improve?"
"Where do you see yourself in 6 months?"
"Don't you think there is something more important that you could be doing instead of this questionnaire, like checking Facebook again? Or even Reddit?"

I've worked really hard for 6 months. I did my best every day because of a renewed work ethic...because I'm a professional, dammit. Also, because I was recommended by my old boss. Chef told me when we met, "I've never had a recommendation for a dishwasher before. This is a first." I was not going to disappoint. No way.

This was what Chef told me in regards to "areas of improvement":


Chef: My advice to you would be, never stop learning. Don't let yourself become stagnant or routine.

Me: Avoid complacency.

Chef: Absolutely. You've told me about the path you are on, and you are a pleasure to work with, John. This is a really hard job that you do, and you keep us going. I want to see you continue to grow during your time with us here, and I want to help you in any way I can. And I want to help when your path takes you some place else.


Well, shit. Is there any question I'm in the right place at this point in my life? Way to give me life advice, Chef. Definitely needed to hear that.

Then he said:

"And, you'll be getting a raise."

Okay! Well, looks like that about does it. And I didn't have to fill out any paperwork. Now THAT is a review.

Lesson Learned

I was in no mood to get up today. I slept for 8 hours, but every bit of me wanted just one more hour. In my head, What I Want To Do began debating with What I Should Do. "We don't HAVE to get up right now...sure, we'll miss the staff meal at work, but we're not hungry, are we? We're fucking tired." I remember thinking, Okay, fine...let's learn a lesson here. I'll sleep until the last possible moment then rush to work. I will then have a bad day because of it. This will teach me to get up on time.

What a crock of shit. I just lied to myself to be comfortable with going back to sleep. Eh, whatever. Zzzzzz...

Sure enough, I had to rush to get ready...rush to the bus, which then showed up late...skate like a demon to work and start my shift without even taking a moment to prepare myself. But then everything went just fine for the first half of work. I was well rested and in a decent mood. Some lesson I taught myself, eh?

Then something happened. The prep work I was going to do during my shift was not going to get done because we were busy and dishes needed washing. Anxiety hit me, and my mood turned sour. I started giving dirty looks to servers and the busser as they brought me more stuff to wash, and I shouted, in my head, Not now, assholes! I have to finish up green beans and potatoes! I began to freak myself out.

And then this occurred:

You don't have to believe your thoughts.

Yes, thank you, brain. I'm quite aware of that. I've read that in several books related to Zen and Buddhism and even during treatment. I have that down, thank you.

Why are you upset? Let's break it down.

Gee, I'd love to, but I'm a little fucking busy.

Enjoy.

Okay, fine. I don't think I'll be able to finish prepping that big box of green beans AND cut all the potatoes AND wash everything. Oh, and they're almost out of plates with paper for the burgers and fries. I have to do some of them.

Well, what are you going to do?

I'm going to do the most important stuff. Prioritize. We'll get through it, but this still sucks.

Why the anxiety?

Because I can't do what I wanted to. I'm afraid they'll run out of something they need for an order.

But you're doing your best. And you're being mindful of what they need immediately.

Well, yeah...

So why are you beating yourself up with fear of something that probably won't happen?

Because...I don't want to let them down.

If they run out, will they yell at you?

No...they'll just tell me they need something as soon as possible.

So, you're making yourself feel bad worrying about something that probably won't happen, all because you're not as in control of everything as you thought?

Sigh...apparently.

Quit trying to control everything...

...and just let go. Thank you, Tyler Durden.

Hey, I'm just your brain, what do I know? Bet you feel better now though.

Yeah, I do.

You just challenged your thoughts. Cognitive Behavior Therapy, bitch...good job.

(and scene.)

I finished my shift. The prep I didn't finish will get done tomorrow, either by somebody on day shift or by me tomorrow. I can't believe I that challenging thoughts and feelings worked. Actually, of course I can believe it. It's just crazy how real and important those thoughts, feelings and anxiety were for such a short period of time. Oh no, the end of the world is nigh...and then it's gone.

So yeah, the lesson I learned today was not the one planned it was one I needed reminding about: I don't have to believe my thoughts.

But here's the real lesson I learned tonight. I have a couple of friends who messaged me today and needed to talk. Maybe they needed my input, but probably they just needed me to be there and listen. Had I woke up when my alarm first went off today, I could have talked to them via phone, text and/or Facebook messages. Instead, I slept. I didn't know they wanted to talk until afterwards of course, and I am not responsible for other people, sure...but that's not the point. I want to be there for the people I care about. Hell, I want to be there for people I don't care about, too. 

I can't give when I'm being about me and what I want. Sleeping in occasionally for me is fine...but I knew what I should have done. And that's the thing. My new life relies on avoiding complacency and following my intuition that tells me to do things I don't want to do...but that I know I need to.

That's what I learned today.

One Year, or, My Mother's Birthday

September 12, 2012...my mother picked me up in San Antonio and drove me to Austin to my "appointment" with a Travis County probation officer...where we knew I would be arrested and spend an unknown amount of time in jail. It was my mother's birthday. While she pointed out it was the first time in a long time that she and I spent time together on her birthday, I don't think that made the situation any less awful.

I had quit drinking before this, and the exact day didn't mean that much to me. I thought the date was arbitrary...that it should be about the mindset and the actual decision to quit. However, I told her that I wanted to make my sobriety date that day, 9/12/12, because the whole day was "sobering" on different levels, let me tell you. I told her I wanted to be sober for a year for her next birthday. I was just happy I was led away in handcuffs out of her sight.

Well, it's today.

I've been to a couple of AA meetings last weekend, and I am going to a couple this weekend, specifically to be "recognized" for 1 year of sobriety...but it's not about me. It's to possibly encourage new people to keep on if they want to. This 1 year chip goes to my mom.

What they ask in meetings when you are recognized for 1 year clean and sober is, "How did you do it?" All I did was change everything. No big deal. Heh. Also, I had to fail and screw up just enough to eliminate all denial but not so much that it killed me. For some reason, I'm still here.

The most important thing I did was I made the decision to be done. I finally had enough. You might be thinking, "no shit." Yes shit. I had to stop lying to myself about quitting when I knew I'd want to drink after probation...or maybe I could still take pain medication when my back hurt from work or maybe I could smoke weed later once I'm done with everything because other people can...

No. No I can't. I was done. And just to be sure, the 6 months I spent away from everyone reinforced that decision.

To be completely honest, I did not do this with the 12 steps and a sponsor. I don't like broadcasting this in groups or treatment because I don't want to encourage other guys to say, "Yeah, AA is bullshit!" Recovery programs are like weight loss programs...just because a certain program doesn't work for you doesn't mean it hasn't helped others "lose weight." Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous have helped a lot of people. And the guys I met in treatment who were anti 12-step are all either back in treatment or jail now. Seriously. I just avoid extremists. This is about me improving my life, it's not a competition.

So what did I do? I changed my thinking. I actually learned something that was poorly taught to us in the SMART Program. Cognitive Behavior Therapy lite. But, because I wanted to change badly, I read all the books available and focused on changing my thinking patterns in order to change my destructive behaviors. I spent my months of free time under lock and key focusing on the principles of Buddhism and meditation. I read the book, The Four Agreements, and I just tried to follow the four key principles of that book daily: don't make assumptions; don't take anything personally; be impeccable with your word; always do your best.

When I got out of treatment and into the real world, I fought becoming complacent and tried to be mindful of my attitude, behavior, mindset and motivation daily. I tried to improve myself every day. I tried to remember to appreciate the moment whenever I could. When I started my new job washing dishes, I worked my ass off. I still try to do my best. I'm thorough at work...because I'm not in a rush to get finished to make it to the bar before last call.

I am on pace to pay off probation in time by the end of the year. I'll be finished with probation next March. I do comedy when I can. I am funny sober...and I enjoy myself when I am around old comedian friends and when I perform.

I make less money than I have since the 90's. I am also at peace with myself and happier than I have been in a long, long time. I try to be completely honest through this blog because getting thoughts out of my head onto this blog puts me at ease.

I like myself again, and I could care less what you think of me....as opposed to not so long ago when I really cared what everyone thought and I didn't like me at all. I'm fairly sure those things are related, don't you?

I still have a long way to go, but don't we all?

I don't think I'm in any position to give advice to anyone...other than to give you a nice playbook of what not to do in almost every situation. "Hey, here's what I did, and it sucked!"

Follow your own path. Make a real decision and go from there...but you have to be in a position where you are truly honest with yourself, because that way you'll know what you have to do and when you're just bullshitting.

If that makes any sense to you, then explain it to me later, because I'm still trying to grasp it.

Oh yeah, and remember to breathe.

Happy Birthday, Mom. I love you.

The '95 Phone Challenge

The YouTube video, I Forgot My Phone, essentially shows the main character attempting to connect with people who are too busy connecting with their phone. It was posted 2 weeks ago and already has over 21,000,000 views. I wonder how many of those views were on a cell phone.

I've been hating my phone for a while now. I had developed an OCD thing with notifications on my phone...as in, I don't like them. I have to read or listen to messages, check my e-mail, play my Words With Friends games, check Twitter and so on until the notifications go away. Really, John? Did a piece of shit from Cricket actually give you anxiety? Apparently so.

One of the benefits of being in jail/treatment for 6 months was not having a phone or Internet. It was weird for the first couple of months. I swear I felt my the phone that wasn't in my pocket vibrate every once in a while. But then, I didn't miss it anymore. I began to enjoy reading actual books and playing chess and Scrabble face to face with people.

Then I got my phone back. Having it again was kind of yay and ugh at the same time. I immediately fell back into constantly checking Facebook, playing Words With Friends, reading Twitter and texting when I wasn't doing anything...or even while in the middle of doing things. I started becoming very irritated when I used my phone, even just texting or phone calls.

This is ironic because everyone who knew Drunk John knew he liked to drunk dial, drunk text and drunk ramble. A lot. Usually at 2am. On a weeknight. (sorry)

Essentially, part of me didn't want to be one of these people not being present because they have to take a picture or video something all the time. Most of it, though, is I think I liked having free time without a device requiring my attention. Well, what the hell...I'm a big boy (kinda). I can do something about it.

I cut off most notifications, finally. That was a no-brainer. I ended up deleting the Facebook app because my phone has the storage capacity of a floppy disk using performance enhancing drugs. I quit using Twitter because I suck at it. And yet, that wasn't enough.

So, I came up with something for myself called The '95 Phone Challenge that I've been doing for a little over a week now. It started off with me swearing that I wouldn't look at my phone in public except to answer a call or text. I would read a book every time I felt like looking at my phone like everyone everywhere seemed to be doing. I decided to go further with it. I decided I would treat my cell phone like it was 1995. '95 was one of my favorite years, and, from what I remember, I enjoyed life and was very social without a cell. (Granted, I was also young and a college senior...I am aware that I am neither.)

The challenge was that I could only use my phone if I was somewhere that had a land line available for use. I can use my phone at home, obviously. There is a phone at work, so I can use it right before or after my shift. Technically, I can check my phone if I walk past a pay phone. Otherwise, it stays in my backpack or pocket. It doesn't exist when I'm out and about. Land lines only...other people's cell phones don't count. In 1995 anyone with a big-ass cell phone couldn't afford the minutes to let someone else make a call anyway.

I want to be present in the moment. I want to actually take in life instead of spending time reading about others taking in life or looking at their pictures of them being active. I think it's great that I can see what friends and family are doing with their lives, but technology makes it too easy for me to just waste online.

Not only that, but when I spend all that time staring at the computer screen or my phone, I end up just reading a bunch of shit I normally wouldn't, like comments. Every post on Facebook...every news article...every YouTube video...everything online (including this blog post) has an option to post a comment. And they're almost all horrible, opinionated and useless. If I limit how much time I spend online, I'll limit what I read.

So far, I like the challenge. One thing I've noticed is when I do use my phone and text or call a friend, I'm happier about it and therefore, I can have a pleasant conversation...as opposed to before where I would essentially end conversations abruptly because I was a cranky pants.

I read more. I can read books on my phone, sure...but it's not the same as a real book...and also, it's really frickin' easy to stop reading and go check Wikipedia about something in my head...then sneak over to Facebook...then YouTube...then ooh, look, cat pictures...then--ah, crap, I was reading...

I wanted to post about this to let you guys know I feel like I am more aware of my surroundings...like I'm paying more attention to what is actually going on around me. Granted, I should probably not listen to my iPod as much as I do too, but I can't listen to people on the bus. That's a bit too much awareness.

I also wanted to let you know about this so that if you call or text me and I don't respond, you'll know why. "Oh, he must not be home. Hopefully he'll check his answering machine later."

Next week on "Fuck Technology": Old man Rabon recommends dropping Instagram and setting up a darkroom in your home.