I Will Still Be Thirty-Something

My birthday is today (Friday). Turning 37 is not very spectacular, but after it pasts I'll be closer to 40 than to 35/mid-thirties.

I'm not afraid of turning 40 because of the age. "You're over the hill" can suck it, I don't care. It's more about my accomplishments or lack thereof. One thing I recommend not doing is comparing yourself to your parents. "When my dad was my age, he was blah and had already blah blah blah with two kids and blah..." It's depressing. Don't do it. (Unless your parents were fuck-ups, then go for it.)

Most people my age have a family, a primary care physician that is checking their prostate on a regular basis and a job that has them looking ahead towards possible retirement. I've just started an entry-level job that is part time. I've moved into a room in a house of a couple I know...I'm doing a lot of things that are very 19-to-22ish. But you know...not everyone gets a chance like this to start again. I'm very fortunate. It takes being without certain things everyone takes for granted for a few months to really appreciate your own space...your own bed...your privacy.

We'll see what happens in the next year...Happy birthday to me.

It's Been Time, Asshole

I've been staying with my friend on her couch for 3 months now. Alot has happened, both good and bad, but I'm moving this week to my own room...my own space. Granted, I'll be staying with 3 other people in a house, but fuck all that, I get my own goddamn room.
I've gone through several lifestyle changes in my soon-to-be 37 years on this planet. I was a preacher's kid, the head of a renegade frat on a Baptist college campus, a married man with the right house, right wife, right job, right cars and unhappy as hell, a barfly, a man who finally found true love, and a junkie. To be honest, I don't know how the fuck I'm still alive...but I am.
I'm beginning something new, and I can't help but be a little excited and scared about it. I don't know where I'm going to go from here, but I'm ready to move forward instead of treading water relying on another person or a program or whatever to help me. It's time I helped myself.

So that's what I'm going to do. Maybe by doing so I can start writing fucking jokes again.

One thing at a time, J F'n R.

You Can Get Through This

Back is against the wall. You always wait until the last possible moment, well it's here. What are you going to do?

Quit fighting yourself and just let go.

Let go.

"Just Let Go" from Rock Sexton on Vimeo.

Lyrics, man...Damn.

Times of Trouble by Temple of the Dog

When the spoon is hot
And the needle's sharp
And you drift away
I can hear you say
That the world in black
Is upon your back
And your body shakes
So you ditch away
And you close the shades

Don't try to do it
Don't try to kill your time
You might do it
Then you can't change your mind
You've got a hold on to your time
Till your break through these
Times of trouble

When you try to talk
And the words get hard
And they put you down
Don't you stay
Don't you ditch away

I saw you swinging
Swinging your mother's sword
I know you're playing but
Sometimes the rules get hard
But if somebody left you out on a ledge
If somebody pushed you over the edge
If somebody loved you and left you for dead
You got to hold on to your time till you break
Through these times of trouble

My Higher Power Is Tyler Durden

In recovery, you need a higher power. What you refer to this is not as important as just putting control in it instead of yourself.

Agnostics and atheists in 12-step programs start off having an issue with this because they think they have to have a belief in God. That's not the case, really. The group conscience in the meetings you go to can be your higher power. As long as it is something bigger than yourself...that's what matters.

My higher power is Tyler Durden. Let me clarify that I don't mean specifically the fictional character from "Fight Club". I'm not putting my faith into an anarchist who looks like Brad Pitt. It's just what I call my higher power.

I'm going to go off the movie here in my explanation, not the book (which I've read). The concept is that Ed Norton's character created Tyler to free himself from his life, basically. "All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not."

Bingo. Me being in control of my life in my addiction didn't fuckin' work out all that well. So I've turned over my will and life to something bigger than myself...to whatever is out there in everyone and everything. But I refer to that presence around me as Tyler. With him in control, I let go of everything since I have no control over anything. "Tyler" leads me through my day in ways that I recently couldn't. I consider other people rather than just myself. I don't try to look at the angles in each situation I'm in...I am living my life again, and I'm trying to rebuild.

I couldn't manage my own life by myself, and I still can't. I lean on my support network and I put Mr. Durden in the driver's seat. This may sound crazy, but it works for me right now. Things will change as I move forward in recovery. We'll see what happens.

Sir Paul McCartney Needs To Quit Making Me Feel Like Shit

"For No One"

Your day breaks, your mind aches
You find that all her words
Of kindness linger on
When she no longer needs you

She wakes up, she makes up
She takes her time and doesn't
Feel she has to hurry
She no longer needs you

And in her eyes, you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years

You want her, you need her
And yet you don't believe her
When she says her love is dead
You think she needs you

And in her eyes, you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years

You stay home, she goes out
She says that long ago she knew someone
But now he's gone
She doesn't need him

Your day breaks, your mind aches
There will be times when all the things
She said will fill your head
You won't forget her

And in her eyes, you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years

"Serenity Now"? I'd Settle For "Sanity Now"

Sometimes I think that maybe it's the 12-Step Program that has me stuck inside my own head. I want to think that if it were just up to me I'd just be clean and sober and go about my business, no fuss or bullshit.

RIGHT.

I've tried it my way the first half of this year. I don't know if you've noticed, but it didn't quite work out. At this point, I don't think I can't do it my way anymore. I don't know how I'm going to join real life...or "society", if you will. It's too big to think about, so we're just going to do the "one day at a time" thing and go from there.

I made several realizations this past week that have helped me deal with my damaged personal life. Out of respect to the past and to the girl I still love, I'm not going to go into any details. I do want to report that I have moved forward significantly because of these realizations/revelations. About fucking time.