My Higher Power Is Tyler Durden

In recovery, you need a higher power. What you refer to this is not as important as just putting control in it instead of yourself.

Agnostics and atheists in 12-step programs start off having an issue with this because they think they have to have a belief in God. That's not the case, really. The group conscience in the meetings you go to can be your higher power. As long as it is something bigger than yourself...that's what matters.

My higher power is Tyler Durden. Let me clarify that I don't mean specifically the fictional character from "Fight Club". I'm not putting my faith into an anarchist who looks like Brad Pitt. It's just what I call my higher power.

I'm going to go off the movie here in my explanation, not the book (which I've read). The concept is that Ed Norton's character created Tyler to free himself from his life, basically. "All the ways you wish you could be, that's me. I look like you wanna look, I fuck like you wanna fuck, I am smart, capable, and most importantly, I am free in all the ways that you are not."

Bingo. Me being in control of my life in my addiction didn't fuckin' work out all that well. So I've turned over my will and life to something bigger than myself...to whatever is out there in everyone and everything. But I refer to that presence around me as Tyler. With him in control, I let go of everything since I have no control over anything. "Tyler" leads me through my day in ways that I recently couldn't. I consider other people rather than just myself. I don't try to look at the angles in each situation I'm in...I am living my life again, and I'm trying to rebuild.

I couldn't manage my own life by myself, and I still can't. I lean on my support network and I put Mr. Durden in the driver's seat. This may sound crazy, but it works for me right now. Things will change as I move forward in recovery. We'll see what happens.

Sir Paul McCartney Needs To Quit Making Me Feel Like Shit

"For No One"

Your day breaks, your mind aches
You find that all her words
Of kindness linger on
When she no longer needs you

She wakes up, she makes up
She takes her time and doesn't
Feel she has to hurry
She no longer needs you

And in her eyes, you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years

You want her, you need her
And yet you don't believe her
When she says her love is dead
You think she needs you

And in her eyes, you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years

You stay home, she goes out
She says that long ago she knew someone
But now he's gone
She doesn't need him

Your day breaks, your mind aches
There will be times when all the things
She said will fill your head
You won't forget her

And in her eyes, you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years

"Serenity Now"? I'd Settle For "Sanity Now"

Sometimes I think that maybe it's the 12-Step Program that has me stuck inside my own head. I want to think that if it were just up to me I'd just be clean and sober and go about my business, no fuss or bullshit.

RIGHT.

I've tried it my way the first half of this year. I don't know if you've noticed, but it didn't quite work out. At this point, I don't think I can't do it my way anymore. I don't know how I'm going to join real life...or "society", if you will. It's too big to think about, so we're just going to do the "one day at a time" thing and go from there.

I made several realizations this past week that have helped me deal with my damaged personal life. Out of respect to the past and to the girl I still love, I'm not going to go into any details. I do want to report that I have moved forward significantly because of these realizations/revelations. About fucking time.

Starting Over

From June 11th: "I've been going through the toughest time of my life."

Yeah...little did I know, I was really about to go through shit. Two weeks after I wrote that, I found myself single and jobless. Shortly thereafter, homeless and broke. Let's throw in my alcohol-related convictions putting a strain on job hunting and you've got yourself a personal hell.

At this point, I'm still pulling myself out of the hole I'm in, but at least I'm not at the bottom anymore. For a while there, I was camped out at the bottom with a shovel, digging. With the help of family and a few close friends, I'm making my way back to regular life. I also have a support network that I am building to keep myself from falling back down there.

I've seen the edge and dangled over it...I don't need to go back and take another look. I don't need to, but it's funny/sad how much I want to. Normal life can be fucking boring...that's the biggest danger when it comes to addiction, no matter what that monkey on your back is. You get so bored that your selective memory starts romanticizing your old life. You have to manually "play the tape out" to see what all that old life included.

I'm currently living on the couch of a close friend while working a part-time job (that I was grateful to get). I'll be slowly making several life changes over the next few months. It will be interesting to see where I go from here.

Statuses Worth Remembering

I'm sure Facebook will one day be as irrelevant as Myspace has become. I've used both sites as venues for my writing and thoughts, and I'm sure they'll be shut down as soon as they stop making money. I figure Google will be around for a while, which is why I chose Blogger to house my shit permanently.

Here's some Facebook statuses of mine I wanted to keep:

- Skateboarding is not a crime...but the pricing on the clothes should be. $150 jeans? That's just being an asshole.

- When you've been to the edge, looked over it, and made it back alive, you can't be expected to play fucking four square on your phone.

- You will never hear the following sentence coming from the mouth of a loud, screechy drunk chick in a bar: "I feel that objectivism is really underplayed in today's culture."

- The voices in my head whine too much. "Come oooonnnn, John...can't we do something crazy today?" "Waaaaahhhh! I wanna play in traffic!" "Set yourself on fire, please? Oh, you're no fun!"

- ‎"Today is the first day of the rest of your life."
"Yeah? Today is also the last day you get to quote shit to me with getting a cock punch."

- ROT Rally is like Austin's herpes. Austin breaks out in bikers like once or twice a year, and then it clears up.

- I never get to have sex in my dreams. My subconscious is a cock tease.

- 15 years ago, I believed in the mantra "Pain is temporary, glory is forever, and chicks dig scars." Now that I'm 36, I think the reality is: "Chicks are temporary, Scars last forever, and Glory is lost if it's not on YouTube."

- I felt less manly today when I put cinnamon in my coffee, until I pretended that "Cinnamon" was the name of a stripper.

- Last year, Dan Auerbach of the Black Keys did a solo album. You know, when you're in a band of 2, doing a solo album is kind of a dick move.

- A bum asking for change hates it when you pull the Jedi Mind Trick on them. "This isn't the mark you're looking for." (waves hand.) Bum gives dirty look and walks off. Success!

- Taylor Swift is as country as I am an Emo Jew on my period.

You Are Not Your F**cking Khakis

Whenever people ask me, "How are you doing, John?" I answer with quotes from "Fight Club" so I sound like I'm enlightened.

"Hey, John, looking good, man. How are you? Did you find a place to stay?"

"The things you own end up owning you."

"Okaaay...so, how's the job search going? How's finances?"

"It is only after we lose everything that we are free to do anything."

"Riiight. Um...well, you hang in there, alright?"

"I haven't been fucked like that since grade school."

"What??"

It's Funny, But Not Ha-Ha Funny.

Hi guys. It's been awhile since I've written anything. It's also been a long time since I've talked or seen many of you.

I've been going through the toughest time of my life. I am usually very public in regards to my "antics", but this is a part of my life that I don't really want to write that much about. For the first time, I am actually ashamed of myself and my self-destructive behavior over the past couple of years.

Not to go into too much detail, but I want everyone to know that I appreciate everyone who gives a shit, and I'm sorry for putting some of you through hell (you know who you are). I've been clean and sober for 16 days now, and I'm getting all the help and support I need right now. Once you get over the ego, you can find people who not only know what you're going through but want to help you...which blows my fucking mind.

Anyway, last night at the Velveeta Room was a testament to what a clear-eyed John Fucking Rabon is capable of. I don't know what's next for me, and I have to admit that I'm scared as shit.

I love most of you...and I player-hate the rest.

Uncle Cranky