No Subject..that I can think of

Last night somewhat under the influence, I wrote, "I've found my voice onstage. It's taken me a few years to evolve/devolve in my comedy, but it's turned into a somewhat tired disdain for society and every day life. Irritable yet amused...that's where I find myself."

This came from having a decent set at open mic at the Velveeta Room, the same club and comedy night where I started over 12 years ago. My 6 minute set wasn't spectacular, nor did anything stand out about it that I can recall. What it was that really clicked with me was how I felt onstage and how I delivered what I wanted to say (which essentially was my strong distaste for bums).

"The only thing that separates me from a bum is a mailing address and 401k."

I spent the last year doing less comedy than I have in the past twelve years since I started in Austin. This was due to a number of reasons, mainly laying low after a felony DWI conviction with 5 years probation. It was also due to staying at home with Audrey vs going out all the time, and another reason would be the drugs.

I consider this time in my life to be one of my moments where I look at myself and ask, "Well, asshole, what do we do now?"

The only answer I have is to just keep being me. It's an interesting feeling to not particularly care for yourself that much and at the same time be glad that you're you and not anybody else because you think everyone else sucks.

"I may be an asshole but at least I'm not you." - The name of my first book.

I have a feeling this time in my life will be a defining moment. We all have these moments that shape our lives forever, where years from now we look back and point at it and say, "THAT'S the moment when everything changed for me" or "And that's when I gave up hooking" or whatever.

My biggest defining moment was the summer of 1995 when I worked at Glorieta Baptist Conference Center. I'm going to post a blog soon about that summer because I went there a nice religious college kid and came back 2 1/2 months later an agnostic, chain-smoking drunk with tattoos, blond hair, foul mouth and a chip on my shoulder.

Another defining moment would be when I finally divorced my ex-wife after two years of wanting to leave. The divorce itself was not the moment. No, what I turned into with the freedom from the divorce is the moment in this case. Oh boy did I turn into something.

And we have the me of today...bouncing back and forth from being a shut-in to being social again, from writing lots of material and blogs to writer's block, from no alcohol to immersing myself into an unhealthy alternative.

Regardless, I can't help but feel like right now is the beginning...I'm taking off from here and we're just going nowhere but up from here. We may not go much higher...we might plateau after a few few, but goddammit, we're not going down, that's all I know. Up, I tell you, up.

The purpose of this was to expand on those few words I wrote 24 hours ago...to try and explain what I was trying to say yesterday. I think instead I've made less sense and rambled like a drug-addled monkey on a typewriter trying to spell out what he wants ("banana") but instead typing "cigarettes", "cocaine" and "coffee".

"Poor Fucking Monkey" - The name of my first album.

Anyway, I've got some shows I'll be lining up over the next few months that I do plan on getting recorded and dumped onto the web. Hope to see all of your smiling and puzzled faces at one or more of them.

Ask Uncle Cranky is starting to take off, too. In a perfect world, people would start paying me to give them advice without sugar-coating it and then I can stop working in a fucking cloth-covered box 40+ hours a day assisting gamer nerds with their passwords...but until then, follow my ass on Twitter. Or here.

Do Not Mix Up "Rabon" with "Raven", or Vice Versa

I was dicking around with my phone, trying out Google Voice Search. (Yeah, I was that bored.) I tried to google myself and I pulled up John Raven, Comedy Hypnotist from Allentown PA.

Ah shit. That's what I need...someone with a similar name as mine in the comedy industry.

"John Raven is a certified hypnotherapist and certified stage hypnotist."

How do you become certified as a hypnotist? Well, I googled it and there appears to be the IHA...the International Hypnosis Association. I bet those fuckers know how to party.

"He is the inventor of the iPhone sensation Pocket Hypnosis and has appeared in various newspapers and radio stations up and down the east coast."

Hey, iPhone owners, have you heard of the Pocket Hypnosis app? Is it a sensation?

"He also teaches hypnosis at Lehigh County Community College and Northampton County Community College, so you know you are getting a quality show from a true professional."

You know, teaching informal classes at a community college doesn't really put you in the upper echelon of instructors and teaching professionals. People teach heirloom sewing and curling, for the love of shit.

"I specialize in clean, fun entertainment, but at your request, I can dial-up the edginess to whatever level your audience is comfortable with. You're in control."

Oh I bet. Instead of acting like a chicken, that overweight lady onstage would be an inappropriate stripper. HI-larious! And predictable! And dull!

I'm sure if this knob read my bio, he'd think I was a joke too. "Ugh, look at this alcoholic jerk. I bet he uses the f-word as and adjective as well as a verb. Heh, I bet he couldn't do a corporate gig to save his life. What a loser!"

And that's fine by me. We would not have the same fans, he and I. John Raven is Bizarro World John Rabon.



You are getting sleepy...and bored...

Excessive Coffee Machine

Here is the Flavia coffee machine that makes cappuccinos,mochaccinos, lattes and other drinks that you wouldn't find in a normal office.

How does it work?



You push the button on the machine and choose your drink. It then tells you which packet to grab.



You then stick the packet into the slot and close.



The digital readout tells you it's processing/making your mochaccino.



It tells you to enjoy it when it's done. Luckily, it also informed me that the drink was hot, so I refrained from sticking my hand in it or pouring it down my crotch...which was my intention until I read the helpful message.



Here's me forcing enjoyment of the mochaccino. I'm coming off more disturbed than happy.

Not the First and Certainly Not the Last To Say This...

Fuck Jay Leno.

"Welcome to NBC..where our new slogan is, No Longer Just Screwing Up Primetime." -- Conan O'Brien tonight.

In case you didn't hear, Jay Leno's show is being canceled. Big shocker there, huh? A watered down, half-assed Tonight Show every night at 9pm didn't do well against award-winning dramas, news specials and...well...ANYTHING that was on ABC, CBS or Fox? No shit.

Well, hooray! That's the end of the Jay Leno show, and we can get back to business as usual, right? Right?

No. NBC execs want to move Jay Leno to the 11:35 (10:35 CST) spot with a half hour show and bump Conan and the Tonight Show to 12:05. The Tonight Show has been there for over 50 years...and they want to fuck it up with the worst comedy hour on TV today. "Hey, let's cut to a half hour...because that's why it sucked. It was too long."

So I say again, fuck Jay Leno. Ever since NBC chose that corporate douche over Letterman to replace Carson, he's been bringing us mediocrity on a nightly basis. Bill Hicks was one of the first to just rip into that commercial whore. And here we are 17 years later, and he just won't get the fuck off my TV.

If you think Leno is funny and prefer him over Conan as the Tonight Show host, go ahead and check yourself into a nursing home now instead of waiting until you're the right age for it. Your sense of humor is already 70 years old. Go eat your pudding and look for "that guy with the puppet" you like so much while you're at it. That's all Leno is good for...putting old people to bed after the news is over.

The bottom line is this...when the funniest part of your show is news headlines, advertisements and articles sent in by viewers, you fucking suck.

The great thing is that Conan is not letting himself get pushed around. If they put Leno at 11:35, Conan is quitting. Go Conan. Wherever you go, I'm right there with you, Red.

My Response to the "Bad American" E-mail

You probably have seen this posted on a website or possibly e-mailed to you. It's a nice example of extreme conservatism that right-wingers send to each other to reinforce the way they feel, regardless of how wrong they might be. They read it and get all excited. "Yeah, preach on, brother! You tell 'em! Pow pow pow!" (Btw, I wasn't implying that they were firing a gun in the air...I was saying they were making that noise with their mouths as they pointed their fingers in the air.)

My friend Roger did a nice job of responding to this with a "Liberal" version, even though he's not one. It was a level-headed respectful retort to this piece of shit chain e-mail. I will not be as nice.

(Original e-mail is in italics.)
This Guy Had The Guts To Put This On The Internet

Yes, it takes a lot of balls to anonymously post over-opinionated bullshit online. Way to go!

YES, I'M A BAD AMERICAN

I'm with you so far.

I Am the Liberal-Progressives Worst Nightmare.

Because...you don't use apostrophes when communicating a possessive?

I am an American.

So are those Liberal-Progressives. Does that mean that they are their own worst nightmares too? Liberals must not sleep much.

I am a Master Mason and believe in God.

Oooh a Master Mason. Cool, maybe you can clear up a bet I have with a friend. He thinks that freemasonry is basically an all-white all-male fraternity where the members get together and talk about how they are more American than everybody else and then have a circle-jerk, where I think that they circle-jerk DURING their talk about being more American than everybody else.

I ride Harley Davidson Motorcycles and believe in American products.

When you ride down the street with your loud-ass bike, we make fun of you because you're annoying. "South Park" recently called you a faggot.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some Liberal governmental functionary be it Democratic or Republican!

No one believes the opposite of this, you knob. Why don't say what you really mean? "I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, and I don't want to pay taxes for anything that does not benefit me directly. This is in direct conflict of what my Lord and Savior preaches, but I love money."

I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.

There are a lot of smart Americans who shoot the shit out of each other in gang wars. What a way to take an extreme view and counter it with another extreme view that is just as wrong.

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything. Get over it!

Partially correct. This would be completely correct if racism didn't exist anymore. But it does, so you're going to hear people complain about it. Sometimes their bitching is unjustified and ridiculous, and sometimes it has merit. Why don't you just enjoy being a white male and calm the fuck down?

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, do it in English.

Someone with a thick accent speaking English is still speaking English, douchebag. Did you get your Big Mac? Well then, fuck off.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.

I don't. I believe you have a right to pray to your God when and where you want to as long as it does not infringe on the rights of others...and as long as it doesn't interrupt my fucking day. If I can't buy a pack of smokes because you're in front of me praying at the counter for the check-out girl, I'm going to be a bit upset with you and your god.

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and Willie G. Davidson that makes the awesome Harley Davidson Motorcycles.

So...you like fat guys?

(Roy Rogers wasn't fat...but this little factoid doesn't make my comment any less funny. I'm hysterical.)

I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.

That's because you're rich.

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it.

I feel the exact same way about Tyra Banks.

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, shut up already.

Yeah, but I bet you've used the n-word more than once, haven't you?

I believe if you don't like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country!
This is AMERICA .We like it the way it is!
If you were born here and don't like it you are free to move to any Socialist country that will have you.

Wanting to change things that are fucked doesn't mean you hate your country, you AM radio-listening Yes Man. You keep thinking things are fine while you go back to your home in the suburbs with the finely manicured lawn and hold your wife and 2.5 kids and your guns while you peak out the window knowing that them damn liberals are coming to take it all away from you! Just keep watching Fox News, shake your fist and go about your day, nimrod, it's working for you so far.

For the record, I'm not personally trying to change anything. I've given up hope a long time ago to change...plus I'm a convicted felon, so I can't vote. Guess it's just Xbox and blogging for me.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches, where he gets his money, and why he is always part of the problem and not the solution.
Can I get an AMEN on that one?

"Reverend" is just a title because he was ordained in 1968. It's the same as people who go by "Dr." even though they may not practice medicine at a hospital. Just thought I'd clear up that extremely stupid question.

Where do you get YOUR money? Right...none of my fucking business. Now take that and apply it to what you previously said.

He's always neither the problem nor the solution. He's just a loudmouth useless tool...just like everyone you listen to on the radio.

I also think the cops have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what color you are. And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my drivers license.

Does anyone object to the cops pulling people over who are breaking the law? What the fuck does that mean?

I think it's good.... And I'm proud that 'God' is written on my money.

Did you know that every dollar has remnants of cocaine and stripper jizz on it?

I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.

I'd agree with you if I hadn't seen a report on MSNBC on the Palm Beach, Florida Ballots that were the big fuck-up in 2000 and haven't improved much in 2008. I'd share the link, but it's on a non-conservative website, so you probably wouldn't go there.

Get a Job and do your part!

Yeah! Whatever the fuck that means! Do the thing that...somebody...expects you to do...or something. Huh?

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.

I believe that not everybody lives in Mayberry, and some kids need a little outside help. However, that would cost some of your money that belongs solely to you and your family, so fuck 'em, right?

I believe 'illegal' is illegal no matter what the lawyers think.

You know what was illegal at one time? Women and black people voting. Just because it's currently illegal doesn't mean that it's fucking right. Legalize it!

(By "it" I do not mean pot. I mean "whatever the fuck I want to do that does not infringe on the rights of others".)

I believe the American flag should be the only one allowed in AMERICA !

Be careful with that in Texas or the South...especially around gun-owning types.

If this makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.
If you are a BAD American too, please forward this to everyone you know.
We want our country back!
We NEED GOD BACK IN OUR COUNTRY!

"God" never left. It's fucking everywhere, man. You're not being religiously persecuted, and no one is out to get ya. Settle down and go to church or something. Jesus.

WE LIVE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE, ONLY BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE!

I have a fucking headache. That was a lot of shit to go through, wasn't it? I feel like making my own e-mail and just saying, "I believe in having the freedom to do whatever the fuck I want as long as it does not infringe on the rights of others...and especially if it annoys or scares everyone who actually liked this original e-mail.

"I believe that people with money will vote Republican, poor people will vote Democrat, and there's a bunch of us reasonable types in the middle who just want to live in a world with a minimal amount of assholes.

"Hey, I'm John Fucking Rabon, and I am the BAD American! I'm pro-gun, pro-drug, pro-porn and, well, pro-fun. So pass the lube and ammunition, motherfuckers, and hold onto something!"

Tweet Twit Twat

I've been asked by a couple of people, "What is Twitter?"

What Twitter Should Wants To Be - A place to check updates of your favorite bands or artists, your friends and family. "Hey, I'm at Opal Divine's right now for happy hour! Who wants to come by?" "Our album is almost complete! We're playing tonight at 11pm at Beerland..." And so on.

What Twitter Actually Is - Let's say you have a friend who's a jagass that likes to send you a text message every time he does something. "I'm out of corn flakes!" SEND "Boy, the line at the grocery store sucks!" SEND "What pants should I wear to bowling tonight?" SEND

Now, imagine you have 50 friends who do the same thing...and you like it, because you're retarded.

That's Twitter.

A Quick Offensive and Cute Story About Me and Audrey

Many of you didn't know this, but Audrey was in the hospital for several days (she's okay, everybody).

While in the hospital, she was flat out miserable. There were bitchy nurses, the food sucked, and she just felt awful. On top of all that, she didn't get to shave like she would at home.

She was complaining about that one day, so I tried to console her. She said, "This sucks. I need to shave. I feel like a dude."

Then she looked at me, and said, "Faggot."

That's my girl.