My Comedy Album Now Available

I beat booze and heroin just to bring you this album, as far as you know! It's now available on iTunes, Amazon and Google Play for about the cost of an Uber. For my friends who have waited for this for years, I hope it's worth it. In high school, I paid $15 for the Spin Doctors album, and that was a horrible investment. Mine is under $10, and it's totally better than "Pocket Full of Kryptonite."

Enjoy.

iTunes:
https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/john-rabon/1438940935
Amazon:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07JCKPM9F
Google Play:
https://play.google.com/store/music/album/John_Rabon_John_Rabon?id=Blwccvff5cz7w5urj6rqvmzgbze

New Podcast!

I've started a weekly podcast called "Yes, I'm Still Sober". It's been a long time coming. First episode is up now.

Black Mirror Reality

There was a sign at the Women's March on January 21st that read, "This episode of 'Black Mirror' sucks."

The "Black Mirror" TV series tends to have a twist and a depressing ending in each episode, and I'm assuming people consider Trump winning the election to be that big twist they didn't see coming. I think it goes even further than that, and I find the statement on that protest sign to be even more accurate than people probably realize.

Think about all the social media posts and issues that went on over the past three years. Slate called 2014 the "Year of Outrage". The AV Club posted an article called "24 times 2015 totally lost its shit. Daily outrage was the norm, and we also had backlash against outrage that was just as self-righteous and loud. It seemed like many of us lost our perspective on how good things actually were comparatively. There were of course real issues to address...but we seemed to focus on trivial matters that really didn't mean anything. "I can't believe some random celebrity said something I feel is insensitive. Let's go to Twitter, everyone! Public shamers unite!"

If you read Facebook and Twitter, you would've thought the world was ending every single day.

But then, after all the faux activism and snark and preaching from a high horse and telling each other why they're wrong (often people on the same side), it culminated in progressives losing the election. And now...finally...last week...there are serious issues to be outraged about. It is no longer "Trump said this, omg", but it is now "Trump DID this, holy fuck", and our outrage falls on deaf ears because we've been yelling at our social media circle and into the air for years.

And now here's the actual twist at the end of our Black Mirror episode. Instead of collectively realizing our error of unsolicited opinions over discussions...of wanting to be right over actual truth...instead of working towards a new strategy (or any strategy), everyone seems to be doing the same thing they were doing before...faux activism and snark and preaching from a high horse and telling each other why they're wrong.

The response to criticism is usually "at least I'm doing something" or "do you have a better idea". My gut tells me that it's possible your poster and marker budget would be more effective in the hands of organizations fighting this administration in the courts. Keep marching and protesting, but in addition we either need to use lobbyists and lawyers in our corrupt system or we need to revolt.

The media needs to quit trying to "get" or "take down" Trump and just report the facts and lies as level headed and objectively as possible. Quit being baited by the troll(s), because they feed off of your outrage.

Breathe. We can't rationally discuss solutions and game plans when we're worked up into an emotional frenzy.

I'm not right about anything. Neither are you. Let's quit trying to be right and seek real truth.

Stop Payment

In 2005 (when my only drug of choice was Jameson, I had only been arrested twice, and I and all my friends thought we were better at poker than we actually were), I had a hard time finding someone to be my roommate. I had a three bedroom house that I didn’t want, buried in a north Austin suburb that I couldn’t stand. I had bills looming over my head, and I no longer had a cushy overpaid job at Apple to solve my money issues. Then it hit me: what if I just stop paying all of it?

At my weekly poker game (I remember winning...in reality, I probably lost), I brought up that idea.
Me: So...what if you just don’t pay your mortgage?
Them: You’ll lose your house.
Me: Is that all? I don’t want it.
Them: You can’t not pay them. It’ll ruin your credit.
Me: What do I need credit for? I have a car. Bartenders take cash.
Them: But…
Me: Credit rating is a prison.
Them: You have to pay bills.
Me: Eh.

More research needed to be done. But I said “fuck that” and did what I wanted to do. I declared bankruptcy...to my cat. I said, “Kitty, we’re bankrupt.” She didn’t seem worried, so neither was I. I stopped paying everybody, and I squatted in my house for a couple of months. Once I started receiving really angry mail, I moved into a central Austin apartment and changed my phone number. I refrained from filling out that “change of address” form at the post office. The rest is very fuzzy and mostly nonexistent history.

I bring this up because I’ve recently done some research on those companies I stiffed. Here is the list:

Washington Mutual - I always wondered why it was so easy to refinance my $125,000 house twice in 2 years. After watching “The Big Short”, I said, “Oh.” I stuck these assholes with a termite-infested money pit filled with discarded furniture, belongings and broken dreams. They called themselves the “Wal-Mart of Banking,” owning the largest savings and loan association in the country...until it all went down in 2008.

Bank One - I inherited a credit card of theirs in my divorce, and maxed it out after funding a kick-ass weekend in New Orleans. I owed them about $12,000 according to the last invoice I read. A year earlier, Bank One was involved in a merger...so the actual company I screwed over was JPMorgan Chase...in the same year they paid a $2.2 billion settlement to Enron investors and a $2 billion settlement for their part in the WorldCom accounting fraud. You should check out JPMorgan Chase on Wikipedia. The “Controversies” section is divided into 17 parts.

Wells Fargo - Hey, anyone read the news recently? They created 1.5 million checking/savings accounts and 500,000 credit cards that were never authorized by their customers. I opened a $6000 credit line with them in order to be able to pay Bank One and Washington Mutual. I have no idea what the interest was...I just knew there was zero interest on MY end, amiright? Huh? Ah, me.

Also, $350 to Time Warner Cable. Fuck Time Warner Cable.

I am not writing this in order to justify being a drunken deadbeat or to encourage similar behavior. I am not implying that I sabotaged my credit rating to subconsciously become a Wall Street freedom fighter (although that delusion sounds pretty rad). I am communicating all of this simply to say…

You’re welcome, America.

Chess With a Non-Friend

Last year, I was using the "Chess With Friends" app, and a random user named "YoungMoneyRepublican" challenged me to a game. After a long gut laugh at the username and a profile pic of a very large head wearing a SF Giants cap slightly tilted, I went ahead and started playing him.

We traded a few standard opening moves. But then, he moved his knight to an unexpected spot, and then followed that with another move that completed a brilliant trap on one of my pieces. It was good...but I felt it was too good. Now, I'm decent at chess, and I recognize when excellent players kick my ass. But this didn't feel right. It was his username, really. Somehow, I didn't think anyone with a stupid name like that could play chess that well. It's assumptive and judgmental, sure. But I was bored, so...I started investigating.

His stats on Chess With Friends were phenomenal. 75 wins, 1 draw, 1 loss, in just 4 months. Average game was 24 moves (he would win moving all of 12 times). Well, that's kind of a red flag. This guy is a prodigy...or he's a cheat. Side Note: if you use the same username on multiple websites, it is unbelievably easy to stalk you. I won't share his name, but I found his Facebook page. All of his status updates, set to Public, were bits of wisdom that I suppose he wanted to put out there to inspire and motivate his friends. The thing is, while he posted everything like he was writing them, they were all lifted quotes from other people or shitty memes. "Nothing irritates me more than someone who constantly complains about a situation they’re in but does absolutely nothing to change it" - this pulls up several memes on Pinterest. Or, "I love Huey Lewis, but not the News, because the News is too depressing" - which is a joke by author Jarod Kintz...and probably about 14 comedians in 1989. What kind of a person passes along "quotable quotes" as his own? The same kind of person that cheats at chess online (and probably every online game).

I searched online and found a couple of free chess engines, which are programs that generate optimal moves for any match. I replayed our game from beginning to present, and he was indeed using the GNU 6 Chess Engine for every move. He was also playing 10 people at the same time on Chess With Friends, probably challenging random players to beef up his stats.

I was going to message him to tell him off and let him know that I knew...but then...I had a better idea. I found a stronger chess engine (Stockfish 5), so I started playing his computer with another computer. Worst case, it would end in a draw. Also, since he was so keen on beefing his stats quickly, I waited 4 or 5 days to move every turn. I figured I could make the game last at least 6 months...or I'd make him resign the game in anger. Because...fuck him.

Anyway, I'm posting about this because tonight, 8 months and 108 moves later, he finally had enough and resigned the game. Had we played it out until the end, it might have lasted a year.

If you play Chess With Friends, and YoungMoneyGOP (his current name) challenges you, either decline the game or play him with Stockfish. I uninstalled it. I'll play you in person, though.

Your Calling is Being True to Yourself

This is a response to the piece Resist that calling. It’s probably not your purpose in life posted on Medium by Fred Swaniker. In it, Swaniker states that we are “defined by our ‘Moments of obligation’” and that we should ignore 99% of these moments. The reason being that we each are on this planet for a purpose, and if we pursue ventures that are not this purpose, then we are delaying our calling from coming to fruition. He suggests applying three questions as a screening process for potential moments of obligation when they present themselves. These questions are:

- Is it big enough?
- Am I uniquely positioned, more than almost anyone else in the world, to make this happen?
- Am I truly passionate?

Three yes’s and you should pursue that calling. If your moment of obligation does not produce three “yes” answers, Swaniker recommends that you ignore this potential venture, “no matter how guilty it makes you feel.” Keep on your current path and your purpose in life will be revealed in time as part of a greater plan.

I must admit up front that I did not read this piece objectively as I do not ascribe to the concepts of fate and destiny. My answer to the question “What is my purpose in life?” has been and will continue to be, “Experiencing life is your purpose for existing.” From the position that we do not have a higher calling from a deity or the universe, I think we use our intuition or gut feeling in a similar way as these three questions to determine if we should follow new opportunities that present themselves. It appears to me that the difference between following your gut and Swaniker’s questions is that he is suggesting decision-making removed from empathy or guilt…to look at your moment of obligation coldly and logically along with personal desire or goals. This is what had me opposed to this from the beginning (by beginning, I mean from the title).

While I personally object to the concepts of fate and destiny, let’s say we all have a greater purpose in life, and we are each here for a reason. If that’s the case, then why have a filtering system for your life choices at all? Instead of being true to yourself and seeing where life takes you, are you attempting to help out fate? Swaniker states that being distracted by moments of obligation that are not your true calling only delays you from reaching your destiny. Okay, but we still reach it eventually? He didn’t say we could sway from our true path and then never find our way back. If you die while off your path, weren’t you actually on the real path? Isn’t your “true path” just based on perception?

I am not a fan of a simplified formula presented for mass consumption as a universal mantra because it ignores the numerous complexities of life’s experiences and the individual. We are all on our own trajectory with different backgrounds and unique thought/emotion structures, and the concept of everyone applying the same 3-question quiz to every major life decision or fork in the road is absurd to me. It is even more unsettling when you analyze the questions themselves. Let me address them in reverse order.

“Are you truly passionate?” I agree with this one. Too often we pursue an avenue because we believe it to be a great opportunity that shouldn’t be passed up. We eventually find ourselves regretting this decision as our heart was never behind it in the first place. The great opportunity transforms into a cause of stress and unhappiness because we never really wanted to do it. I’m all for pursuing a calling that fuels passion and drive.

“Am I uniquely positioned, more than almost anyone else in the world, to make this happen?” This one is perplexing considering there are 7.4 billion people on earth. No matter what your moment of obligation might be, there is a decent chance there are numerous individuals who are also in a position to make it happen.

But will they? This question assumes that if the issue you are contemplating is common enough, pass it up because somebody else will take care of it. Human nature, however, has shown that if an issue does not directly affect an individual and requires effort for that individual to take action, then the individual does not address it. A good example of this is trash on the side of the road. Anyone with at least one arm (i.e. mostly everyone) is positioned to clean it up. Most people choose to walk on by with the assumption someone else will take care of it (if they give litter any thought at all).

This question could be used to reinforce the decision to follow a calling if you were on the fence about it. Being in a unique position to help would probably tip you over to the side of yes. Using this question to completely rule out pursuing a venture doesn’t make sense to me.

“Is it big enough?” I find it presumptuous to determine that a good deed is greater than another based on a vague internal criteria. How do you quantify “big”? Do you refuse to initiate or participate in an idea that can benefit three or four people because anything less than half a dozen people is a waste of your time? Swaniker is suggesting making your decisions with a view of the big picture instead of what you feel is right. He says, “You should be solving the biggest problems for the world, not small ones.” This is infuriating to me, because as I mentioned earlier, people tend to ignore small problems, and small problems left untreated usually become bigger problems. Also, why is that a choice, big vs small? Shouldn’t it be, can I do something about this issue without it being detrimental to me financially, emotionally or physically?

This question’s main function seems to be for guilt alleviation, not for guidance to your perceived true purpose. Guilt, of course, can be very unhealthy, and it is not a person’s job to save the world. And actually, I don’t like the phrase “moment of obligation” because it implies that we owe the world something based on our position in life. I don’t feel I’m “obligated” to do anything. That being said, to completely ignore guilt as Swaniker suggests is to become an unfeeling machine that reads all the 1s and 0s and calculates all the factors to determine if the solution is equal to or greater than “big”.

The three questions almost sounds like an abbreviated strategy for business and professional success. To apply business principles to acts of goodwill feels dirty. From a purely selfish point of view, the reason to help other people is because it ultimately is supposed to make you feel good. That should be your true purpose: help people and feel good. This isn’t a matter of quantifying the number of people or the number of good deeds. That’s along the same lines as being a good person, not because it’s right, but because you’re trying to get into heaven. If you want to improve society and the world, you have to use empathy. Emotions need to be involved. Is it big enough? How about, is it the right thing to do?

The idea that I’m here for some higher purpose is an ego trip mired in delusion. Not everybody gets to have a calling that society will deem “great”. It doesn’t matter what society thinks of you, your profession, or your actions. What matters is how you feel. If you are doing for others based on what you feel is the right thing to do…If you are being true to yourself using both thought and emotion…then you should feel good about the path you’re taking. That is your calling: being authentically you.

End of Year Reflection, or Introspective Nightmare, or For Jay Whitecotton

No one makes me think "fuck you, you're right" on a daily basis like my friend Jay Whitecotton. He is my confidant, adviser and sounding board. He recently mentioned how much he enjoys reading a person's "year in review", which was motivation enough to write this. And considering I've been a bit desperate for inspiration recently, I'll take what I can get.

This has been a tumultuous year for so many people, so it has been a little odd that 2015 was, for me, "The Year I Did Jack Shit." I needed it, though. I've spent the previous two years creating a new lifestyle without drugs or booze while jumping through hoops for probation. Having a year free of any obligations outside of my job and my cat was a welcome change.

There were a few things in the realm of "self-improvement" that I pursued and successfully infused into my daily schedule. I read every day now. I drink smoothies because it's the best way to trick myself into consuming fruit and vegetables. I work out. Yes, really. Shut up.

Those are all nice things. But I noticed one change from the previous couple of years. I hardly posted any blogs or essays this year. I think this occurred for a couple of reasons. First, I became very comfortable with who I am and the life I lead. My anxiety due to addiction or daily struggles had subsided significantly, and I didn't feel the need to "write that shit out" as often as I used to. The need to work it out is a big motivator for my writing, and I almost think I was spoiled with a consistent need to have something to say. The downside to this was I got used to only writing when I was inspired. So once everything was fine...I quit posting.

I'm not a fan of not writing, by the way. When you constantly overthink and analyze every thought, interaction and activity of your day, you will at some point feel guilty that things are fine. "Really, John? It's a good day, is it? Then why aren't you being a productive artist?" It's like my brain will impose some kind of creativity quota for the day that has no logic to it. "You can't just watch that TV show now. You need to write something. A new joke would be nice. Okay, fine, that was an impressively mediocre tweet. Enjoy Rick & Morty."

(Incidentally, if anyone has any suggestions on how to escape thoughts without self-destruction, I'd be glad to hear them. I am visiting the concept of meditation again...it's not as effective as heroin or Jameson, unfortunately.)

I did write a bit this year...almost 2 composition books worth of journal entries and random thoughts. But here's the second reason I didn't post as much on my blog: I wanted to be "right." 2015 certainly felt like "The Year of the Opinion." Daily outrage coupled with multiple convenient soapboxes to jump on turned social media into a very loud place. It's like a crowd of people gathered together, and everyone has a megaphone. How do you make yourself heard? And if people actually listen to you, what if you're wrong?

Being wrong is one of the three big fears of people like me (white). We don't want to be thought of as a) racist, b) a hipster, or c) not in the right on a subject. Keep that in mind if you really want to nail someone. Ooh, or sexist! HOMOPHOBIC, yeah. Fit all those in. You're full of shit, you racist, bigoted, misogynistic hipster motherfucker. (brain explodes)

It seems to me that the reason opinions online are expressed so strongly (besides uncontrolled emotions and lack of empathy) is we're compensating to quiet any possible doubt that what we're saying might not be the whole truth...that it's a point of view based on our limited experience and perception. The fear of publicly being wrong and taking damage to one's ego could be key to why we don't really listen to each other. We don't share ideas and have discussions. We take turns vocalizing points of view without compromise.

Strong opinions are odd when you consider that really, we all know nothing. Outside of personal experience, everything we know we've read or been told, and we assume it to be true. So it's really presumptuous to think that we know the whole truth about anything.

Even knowing and observing this, I felt like just avoiding any possible confrontation on social media. What is the point in presenting questioning thoughts that conflicted with the opinions of friends or acquaintances, I thought. In retrospect, I think the point is to add another perspective to the collective.

No, I don't think we need to ban guns, but it would be nice if they weren't easier to own than an automobile. I don't think all cops are bad, but the system sure makes it difficult to not be. There's a difference between "racism" and "prejudice." If there is no god then let people believe dumb things and move on with your life. Caring about money more than people isn't Christlike. Some people like to victimize themselves so that they can appear to overcome adversity that isn't really there...because we all want to be the protagonist in an inspirational movie. No one asked you to formulate and vocalize a verdict on whether a sexual assault victim is telling the truth or not. Being an American and telling another American to check their privilege seems kind of stupid. Redefining language and terminology is easier than actually having a conversation and addressing the problem...which is why we do it so much. Maybe we shouldn't quantify and compare suffering of individuals and instead attempt to rectify problems. You don't know how it feels to be another person.

Sorry. I needed to get all that out. Here's the deal. I'm probably wrong about some of those things. The more I think about it, maybe I need to be vocal not because I have something to offer necessarily, but because I need to be wrong. You don't get anything out of being right other than an ego boost. Being wrong leads to actual growth...and that's what we all need. We grow and learn until we die.

That's what I've learned this year, Jay. Be vocal but questioning rather than accusing, if possible. Attempt to share thoughts and ideas vs opinions. Don't be another asshole with a megaphone. Be open and willing to be wrong.

Also, I should smoke less.

It's Complicated

Let's say you and your partner "Kris" are going through a divorce. It is important to finalize the paperwork quickly because your kids are involved, not to mention the costs associated with litigation and the entire process. And of course, the mental and emotional stress associated with this ordeal weighs heavily on you both.

It's a complicated situation. There are many assets to divide up...there's a visitation schedule to work out...numerous factors. Unfortunately, you're deadlocked on all of it because both sides feel they're in the right.

What should happen is both parties finding compromise through effective communication in order to achieve a resolution. Instead, you and Kris avoid starting a dialogue, and you jump on social media. You post on Facebook, publicly admonishing Kris for their behavior and actions. You detail all the times Kris has wronged you and your children. Kris starts tweeting your indiscretions, painting you as a one-dimensional Bond villain.

Friends and neighbors get involved. Some take your side, while others side with Kris. Some are concerned about your children. "What about the children," they say repeatedly. A couple of them worry your pets are being neglected. All have strong opinions, regardless of how much this divorce directly affects them. All feel the need to emotionally express themselves and their points of view online.

Memes are created so that Captain Picard and Willy Wonka can weigh in on the subject. YouTube videos are recorded showing pasty-faced talking heads ranting in untidy bedrooms with bad lighting. GoFundMe pages are created for both sides so that you can continue the good fight.

Hashtags are created and start trending:
#standswithkris
#standswithyou
#savethechildren
#fuckkris
#eatshitanddieyou

Think pieces are written. Some for you...some against you...many say the issue is bigger than you. It's about justice. No, it's about the sanctity of marriage. No, it's about ALL THE CHILDREN! And they're all written with the right amount of smugness and snark to create a personal sense of rightness for the author and to elicit validation from like-minded readers.

And still, you and Kris continue to talk on social media and not to each other.

Why? Why won't you start a real conversation...one that involves truly listening and that utilizes empathy for that other human being, free of ego?

Because it's hard. Because it is easier to just shout an opinion on a virtual soapbox. Because you'd rather be right than reach an understanding or agreement that might cost you something. Because you're selfish and stupid.

We are all very, very stupid.

Fuck Leaf Blowers

I apologize for the tactless and uncouth title, but I mean it. Fuck leaf blowers. Nothing can completely alter my mood and behavior as quickly as a noisy, destructive, pointless leaf blower droning on at a painful volume in my vicinity.

I don't know how annoying you find them, but let me try to give you an idea of the level of hate I have in my heart for leaf blowers. It's like a coworker telling you a "joke" joke and then repeating the punchline over and over for 20 minutes. It's akin to a random yahoo in a car laying on his horn in one long honk as he follows you while you walk down the street. When I hear a leaf blower, it's as painful to me as being a judge in a Gilbert Gottfried impression competition in which the contestants were Andy Dick, Nancy Grace and Adnan Syed's attorney.

"You know, I think screaming babies are worse than leaf blowers." I think you should maybe look into that child hate issue you have, but all right. A crying toddler can certainly shit on your mood. Ahem. However, no mother puts their screaming baby right up against my window to torture me at home like leaf blowers do. They invade privacy and drive me mad wherever I am. There is no hiding from the madness.

My hatred of leaf blowers is so intense that I actually did research on them...not "let me inform myself" research, but more like "what asshole unleashed this scourge upon the earth" kind of research. His name was Dom Quinto. I say "was" because if there is any karma in this world, he's very dead now. Okay, actually, he introduced them in the '50's, so...pretty good chance he's not around. There is very little about who he is online, which is really odd considering the amount of information available to us online. Could it be that the real inventor is hiding his identity to protect his family from being harassed and verbally attacked due to his infernal device that constantly plagues our world? Makes sense to me, because I have the incredible urge to call the house of his relative and just go, "AAAAAAHHHH" into the phone for half an hour. I'm not alone either. Somebody has already submitted "How can I find information on Dom Quinto the person who invented the leaf blower" to Yahoo Answers years ago. I'm guessing not because they want to tell him, "Hey, great job, guy."

Leaf blowers were originally presented as chemical sprayers, but then the manufacturers found out that people were using them with the chemicals removed rather than use a broom or rake. The manufacturers went with supply and demand. So, if you've been wondering, "Hey, why does the noise of a leaf blower anger me more than say any other loud annoying motor", it's because the sound comes from the worst invention of all mankind...a byproduct of poison, laziness and capitalism, invading your life and ear drums at 102 decibels.

"Hang on...worst invention ever? What about nuclear weapons?" You would have a point except that Joe Dipshit next door doesn't own an atom bomb. But he certainly wields a goddamn leaf blower as he blows all his lawn clippings out into the street and sidewalk on a regular basis. Why? Because he's a selfish lazy douchebag who's willing to annoy and destroy just so he can have a few more minutes of PornHub time in his life.

If you're looking for a balanced, informative article/editorial on this topic, obviously this is not it. I would recommend this article by Cliff Weathers, who is certainly more level-headed about the topic of leaf blowers than I am. He presents other arguments against them regarding health and environmental issues, in case you want to legitimize the hate: more emissions than multiple automobiles, allergy inflammation, topsoil erosion, lung and ear damage, and so on. Plenty of stuff there to loathe. Hey! It's harmful to children, if that does it for you. Sure.

Cliff's article also touches on neighborhood and community bans of leaf blowers and how they're difficult to get into place and ultimately to enforce. All of that is a discussion for rational adults. After dealing with leaf blowers on a daily basis at home, work and just being outside in general, I am no longer rational. I am not calling for a ban on leaf blowers in my neighborhood, city, county, state or country. I am calling for a motherfucking witch hunt. I want an angry mob with pitchforks. I want leaf blowers drug from people's homes and off of landscaping trucks and brought to town square where we guillotine them, French Revolution-style.

Give me vigilantes and anti-leaf blower rebel forces. Every time the sound of a leaf blower interrupts our serenity, I want it ripped out of the hands of the person using it and slammed to the pavement repeatedly until it makes no more noise. Then that person is handed a broom and told, "Suck it up, you lazy shit." Unless it's a person working with a landscaping company...then they're told, "Lo siento."

How happy would you be to see a leaf blower getting curb stomped? I would totally Instagram that shit.

If you can get angry enough, we can do something about this once and for all. The nightmare can end today.

Fuck them.

Online Dating and the Sensory Deprivation Tank

I spent a considerable amount of time alone last year. Most of that time was healthy, I think. I was in my head for a significant portion of my solitude...introspection, self-reflection and ridiculous day-dreaming. At some point, I identified that I was beginning to over-think my feelings and behavior. I felt it necessary to figure out why I was irritated or upset for no apparent reason, and sometimes the answer should just be left at "because you are a human being."

Around that time when I decided to quit analyzing everything, a thought occurred to me: you might need to interact with a female in a quasi-dating capacity. Huh. Shit. Is that really necessary? I mean, my current situation is just fine, isn't it? I already have someone in my life that is my partner in crime and fills any void, isn't that right, Sid?

She said nothing.

A good friend of mine recommended online dating, specifically OkCupid. He had met his wife on there, which surprised me because A) I didn't think that actually ever happened and B) he is an admitted asshole that I just assumed was not date-able. (I presided over their wedding, so keep them in your thoughts and prayers.)

I've been wary of online dating, but not because I was afraid I would meet someone crazy. Truth be told, crazy is pretty fun...destructive, but never a dull moment. No, I was afraid that the dating site would deliver what it promises. "We're going to find the perfect match for you!"

Yikes.

Yeah...I don't want the perfect match for me. I'm a retired alcoholic/drug-addict stand-up comedian dishwasher with a felony who skateboards everywhere in his 40's. Who do you have that matches up perfectly with that? A one-legged kleptomaniac who dips and works at Arby's? If I'm going to date, I want to meet someone way better than me...who has really poor judgment. I think that is what dating is all about, actually: finding that special someone who makes the poor decision to give you a chance.

A real dating site sounded like an investment, so I looked at Tinder first. I had been avoiding it for a while as it's just a "hot or not" hook-up app, which is fine if you're 20-something, but seems ridiculous for me. However, you can't just say, "I'm too old and mature for Tinder," and then ride off on your skateboard exclaiming, "Wheeeee!"

I uninstalled it after a week. Turns out develop empathy and feel guilt for swiping left on a person while watching their photo drift off to oblivion with "NOPE" on their forehead. Also, I prefer long profiles to read and not an "About Me" section full of nothing but emojis.
"I...um, does the picture of the plane mean you like flying planes?"
"No, silly! Travel!"
"Ah. Is there an emoji for 'fuck your idiot hieroglyphs'?"

Side Note: I set the search parameters on Tinder for women ages 24-44. I thought that was reasonable. And Tinder, which is 100% superficial has no moral core whatsoever, looked at my settings and said, "24. Really, John? Hey, how about we try a woman in her 30's, what do you say, you creepy old man?"

So, it was on to OkCupid. This site and others like it have been around a while, and there are plenty of pieces written about them and many stories shared online. It's well-worn territory, so I'll just go into how much I suck at communicating on them. I read numerous complaints in profiles about how guys just message "hi", "hey" or "sup" and expect that to be an acceptable initial message. I decided to go the exact opposite route and send manifesto-style messages. Why? Because I'm a chatty idiot with no apparent filter or concept of restraint.

"Hey there. So, I'm not sure why we're a 93% match but 14% enemies. It's really vague, you know? Shouldn't OkCupid's algorithm be helpful and say, 'you guys would have a great time just don't have a conversation about cats vs dogs or whether 14 sexual partners is a small or average number.' Weird...'OkCupid' is considered misspelled on their own website...now I don't trust them to have their shit together. Anyway, you said you're interested in personal growth and balance. One thing that I found helpful was complete self-destruction, which gives you a place to start from after everything is gone. This one time..."

I've been told this is not a very effective way of initial communication with someone who doesn't know who you are. So I've been trying to find a middle ground between too brief and manifesto. Things like:

"Sup. Do you find daily joy in life to be fleeting?"

"Say Girl...you ever read Nietzsche?"

The other thing I've noticed is that as soon as I was aware of how many awful, pervy and psychotic men are on OkCupid, I started trying to take that into consideration in my interactions with women on the site. Yeah, don't do that, because overcompensating for creepy is creepy itself. Nothing makes you sound more like a serial killer than trying to come off like you're not a serial killer.

"Would you like to get coffee...during the day...in a crowded public place...where you'll be safe?"

It's a work in progress. Right, kitty?

Still nothing.

**********

Fellow comedian Lashonda Lester recommended Zen Blend to me when she shared her experience in a flotation tank. A sensory deprivation tank is a soundproof, light-less tank of salt water that is heated to skin temperature. You lie on your back in it and float weightlessly, and it frees up your mind to do...whatever. It allows your alpha/beta brainwaves to convert to theta brainwaves in longer sessions. I don't know what that means, but I wanted to demonstrate that I still know how to use Wikipedia.

Lashonda said she did it to work on her writer's block, and that appealed to me as I hadn't felt very inspired recently. Also, I've passed the point where psychedelics are an option for mind expansion. I figured the isolation tank would be like taking meditation to another level. And it was.

I picked an unfavorable time to go, because it was 40 outside and high winds. Zen Blend is over a mile south of Slaughter Lane and Manchaca, so to get there from east Austin requires two buses and a healthy skate from the most southern bus stop in Austin. It was like a pilgrimage. They had everything ready for me when I arrived, though. All I had to do was put ear plugs in, shower ahead of time and then get into the tank for 90 minutes. 90. That sounds like a long time if it sucks, I thought.

When I first got in and started to float, there was about 10 to 20 seconds of panic, because I was holding on to nothing. My control issues went absolutely ape shit. Despite beginning to freak out, I "remembered to breathe", and the panic went away. The first 20 minutes had soothing music, and then there was silence for the remaining time. That first half hour was all about allowing my breathing to deepen and my mind to quiet down. You can't make yourself stop thinking about shit, you just have to let it happen. Alan Watts said it's like trying to "smooth rough water with a flat iron - you are just going to disturb it all the more." So, I let it happen.

It was over before I knew it. The last 45 minutes felt like maybe one or two. I emerged from the flotation tank completely relaxed and a bit spaced out...and I remained in that state for the rest of the day. When I left Zen Blend and walked outside, the sun had finally come out, and I didn't even skate back to the bus stop. I just strolled, not even bothered by the wind.

How effective was it on my mood? I had a smile on my face on the bus ride. On the bus. I'm pretty sure I creeped everyone out. Even the chatty homeless man didn't say a word to me.

Now, here's the deal about experiencing insight and epiphanies: they are usually very obvious points that have been in your blind spot. They mean the world to you, but when you try to tell someone about them, they look at you like, "Uh, yeah...everyone knows that if you eat better you feel better." Regardless, here are a couple of things I experienced:

I couldn't help but be reminded of growing up in an old house with a clawfoot tub, and there was always a sweet spot while taking a bath when I would just float in the tub, without a care in the world. I realize now that it was when the water was skin temperature...that was that short window of bliss before it became cold. That was a very comforting memory that I thought was gone but was unlocked in that tank.

About 4 or 5 times during the session, my foot or hand touched the side of the tank due to slowly drifting in the water. When that happened, it would be a subtle reminder that the only thing that was real was the tank. Everything else I was experiencing was all in my head. And boy, did that make for a great metaphor for my life. I can spend so much time focusing on things that have no real substance and that are made up. Occasionally, I need to touch the side of the tank and be reminded what is actually real to me...what in my life has meaning. Everything else is just details and fluff.

And that brought me back to OkCupid, oddly enough. Why am I trying to alter my behavior to make myself seem like more of a charmer? Do I really want to go out on dates with people who like a modified me? I mean, sure, sometimes I need to work on my filter...or do I? Be yourself and see what happens. I'd rather have little to know response being completely me than greater success on my "best" behavior. "Hooray! I won you over! I'm completely uncomfortable, I dislike you immensely but at least I'm not alone!!"

A friend told me that some people are successful with online dating by treating it like a job interview, which could not be less appealing to me. The idea of establishing any kind of relationship based on a resume, how well you dress and how you answer ridiculous questions is as unnatural and miserable to me as trying to get a job you hate just because you want more money. No thanks. Sometimes you have to take a job you hate...you don't have to participate in relationships you hate.

I'll be going back to Zen Blend next month.

The Daily Struggle

I was cut early at work tonight, so I went to the Velveeta Room on 6th Street to see friends do stand-up. At 11pm, I started walking back to the bus stop to go home. That's when it hit me. 


I really want a couple shots of whiskey and a beer. No, for real...feel your body, John. That's a serious desire for booze, isn't it? 

Jesus, it is. Thankfully, there isn't a bar I'm walking by that I would stop in. Can you imagine having to live with the fact that you relapsed in a place called the Dizzy Rooster? Douchebag joint, no thank you. I'm going to just keep walking…

I could stop in to a tolerable bar close to home, just before last call. It's what I want. 

Why, man? Shitty bars on 6th don't trigger me normally. Where does this overwhelming urge come from? I don't need to be reminded that I'm still a drug addict and alcoholic...I get that I'm not cured, so knock it off. 

It's Friday night and only 11pm. I'm going home alone, and while I normally am perfectly happy with solidarity, this is what I want. 

Need I remind you, John, how much drunk people now annoy you? Look at these club jackasses in front of you. There's a frat idiot trying to carry his wingman through the street to the left of you. Check out those girls pretending not to be cold in those outfits while walking poorly in high heels. Hey look! Intoxicated tourists that are in your age bracket! Yikes. I have to get out of here.

There are decent drinking establishments on the east side. No one will know. 

I'll know. I'll know that I everything I've done for 2 years meant so little to me that I traded it all away due to no self-control. Yeah, that sounds great. I wake up tomorrow with a hangover from three drinks and a crippling guilt trip. I've been pretty guilt-free for some time and a minimal level of stress or worry.

It's pretty cold, though. Whiskey… 

Hahaha, weather as an excuse. That's pretty weak.

Who am I now, really? I'm playing by the rules now? Fine upstanding citizen who is a productive member of a society that I know is all made up and meaningless in the long run. Ooh, let me please everyone and do the "right" thing...like I give a shit what they think. When do I get what I deserve, huh? Why can't I do what I want right now? Fuck it, right? 

You know what? I don't want a shot anymore. What's more conventional than an addict relapsing? That's what we do. We fuck up and give in and the success rate of sobriety continues to plummet. We prove our friends and family right who still have doubts about us no matter how supportive they are...It is realistic to have those doubts because we could blow it at any time. Our brains are rewired and there is no completely fixing that.
But maybe I like being broken. Maybe I like still having issues with narcissism and an inflated ego, but I use it to my advantage? Maybe I'm so damn stubborn that I don't give into that urge. Why? Because FUCK YOU, that's why. I am unconventional, I love who I am now, and YOU DON'T GET TO WIN!

Okay, okay, easy...who are you talking about? 

I don't know..."Them". "They". They don't get to win. I...well, it doesn't matter. I'm getting on the bus now. No booze. That was a stupid fucking idea.

Yeah, I don't really want that anymore. That was a pretty crazy 10 to 15 minutes. Weird. What about ice cream? 

Ooh, cookies 'n cream maybe. Good call.

Two Years, or, Giving Up

Last year I dedicated 1 year of sobriety to my mother, and today I wanted to focus on where I am now with 2 years alcohol and drug free. More recently, being clean and sober defines me less than it used to. It's been nice to write a few comedy bits that aren't related to being a retired drunk and junkie. It is who I am, of course. I am certainly not cured by any means. I'm just thankful I have lengthy spans of normalcy now and that every thought I have isn't "I'm going to the store sober", "I'm taking a sober shower", "This is me feeding the cat drug free", or "I am not high while I am skateboarding."

Where I'm at physically: I still enjoy my job washing dishes, and I live in an apartment with my name on the lease. Considering the bulldozing job I've done on my credit, I am very happy to officially be living somewhere on paper. Apparently, doing nothing negative for 4 years is considered a positive thing to the credit score people. "Hey, you didn't skip out on a bank in a long time! Let's up that score to higher than your IQ!"

Where I'm at emotionally: Not being a fan of my feelings hasn't changed much. I did, however, tear up at the end of the "Bones Brigade" skateboarding documentary… so I'm not a monster.

As for where I am spiritually? That one requires a lengthy, rambling answer.

A favorite answer of mine when people ask how I've been is "Zen as fuck." I like the phrase because I feel that way at least once during each day where I have the sensation that I'm on the wavelength of my world and I'm coasting right along with it. Skating, dishwashing, reading, writing and performing comedy all bring this feeling out of me.

I also enjoy the phrase as it has the f-word in it. I'm unabashedly immature.

I have spent a significant amount of time over the past two years being introspective and searching for "the meaning of it all." I've been looking for a purpose or an answer.

There is a guy I know who has posted "Want To Be Enlightened?" online a few times followed by an example of self-improvement he thought was worth sharing. And while his suggestions have been positive, my initial reaction to his use of "enlightened" is, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means." Philosopher Alan Watts once said that a person who says they can teach you something is like a man who steals your watch and tries to sell it back to you. A good spiritual leader or guru should provide you guidance to find what is already inside you. They don't have anything to teach or give you. There have been a few times over the past year where I have felt enlightened, and they weren't really positive moments. In fact, they were a little depressing. Opening your eyes to a more realistic way the world works versus your distorted view can be a huge downer.

I think when people are looking for enlightenment, they really are just looking for happiness and a sense of purpose. That's what it seems to me, at least. I have spent a significant amount of time over the past two years being introspective and searching for "the meaning of it all." I've also been looking for a path or a sign to head in a certain direction.

The answer I've found for me is two words: Give up. It came from three different sources, which made it all the more an "oh shit" moment for me and helped me find my center.

In the essay collection Become What You Are, Alan Watts states that we suffer because we desire things. Desire can never be quenched so we always want more...and we're never satisfied. I can't be happy just because I try to be and want to be so badly. I can't find spirituality by desiring it and looking for it. Nothing I attempt to attain in life really matters because I'm going to die. Birth is falling off a cliff, and eventually we're going to hit bottom. Striving for some kind of spiritual fulfillment is basically clinging to rocks that are falling with us. It doesn't matter. Life is not going anywhere as it happens and ends regardless.

Great. So what do I do with this shiny, happy realization? Nothing. I don't pursue a Way to Enlightenment. There is no Way. I just stop trying, and I do nothing but watch. Watching without purpose. The first step is to give up. Essentially, I am treating my spirituality like breathing. I don't try to make myself breathe, I let it just happen. For me, it is a matter of accepting inevitability and appreciating the present without some lofty unattainable spiritual goal.

This idea gets an almost immediate confirmation from my favorite book/movie combo, Fight Club. "You have to give up. You have to know, not fear, that someday you're gonna die." I usually ignored that particular tidbit and focused more on letting go and not trying to control everything, so it was interesting to have that line flash back at me in my head.

And then there is my favorite street artist that I've been a fan of for almost a decade. Give Up is truly authentic: no Photoshop, all original content. He essentially is telling people who are miserable but feigning happiness in their fake jobs, families and lives to just...well, you know. I own several of his shirts that I wear all the time, and it was funny to me to have one on when having my little awakening moment.

The answer was on my shirt this whole time? Huh.

And it's working for me...or should I say, it is not working just fine. After soul searching and trying to "find myself" since becoming sober, it's been a hell of a relief to let go and just observe. I don't mean that I am doing nothing with life as a whole, just the part where I try to find the meaning of it. Everything I am working on now - quitting smoking, eating better, pursuing community service, writing, meditating, developing empathy - they're all things that will help me better myself and enjoy the life I have left.

I don't have any answers, obviously. I have no idea if any of that makes sense, and I'm not trying to win you over on this idea. If I was, it would be a hard sell to a cynic. "Hey, I found spiritual peace from a dead British guy, a vandal and a Brad Pitt movie."

Watts even said at the beginning of some of his lectures, "I want to make one thing absolutely clear. I am not a Zen Buddhist, I am not advocating Zen Buddhism, I am not trying to convert anyone to it. I have nothing to sell. I'm an entertainer. That is to say, in the same sense, that when you go to a concert and you listen to someone play Mozart, he has nothing to sell except the sound of the music. He doesn't want to convert you to anything. He doesn't want you to join an organization in favor of Mozart's music as opposed to, say, Beethoven's. And I approach you in the same spirit as a musician with his piano or a violinist with his violin. I just want you to enjoy a point of view that I enjoy."

Life is good, and I'm doing well. Let's have coffee some time.

"It Gets Better"

Sometimes Facebook is a good thing. By being on the damn thing, it allows people I know who I normally don't talk to on my phone to be able to contact me...although I would normally say that's a deterrent for using social networking. Interacting with others? Gross.

Recently, a friend messaged me because they were having a crisis. It was a bad situation, and they were at that edge of complete despair. They needed to be "talked down" from that edge, and I did the best I could, which was apparently enough. They're doing better and they thanked me for listening and talking them through it.

Why did they contact me? I'll be the first one to tell you I am not a great resource for solid advice. I am a prime example of how not to do many things, so yeah, if you want to know the worst way to handle something, I suppose you could ask, "Hey, John, what would you do?" and then do the opposite.
"Hey Rabon, I'm having this horrible dispute with a finance company. They may ruin my credit if I don't comply."
"Well, fuck them, man. What do you really need credit for, huh? Expensive possessions that will make you a slave? It's a burden. Don't play their stupid credit game, it's all made up anyway. Go out and live."
"Ah. Set up a payment plan. Gotcha."

No, my friend contacted me because they were at maybe the lowest point in their life, or at least it felt that way...and they knew I had been there. I know what it's like to be devoid of hope and ready to just submit to the abyss. They didn't want encouragement or a pep talk. They wanted someone who could relate and who wouldn't bullshit them.

I don't believe in fate, but I like to entertain the notion that I have made it to this point in my life to help others in just this way. I find it comforting to think that my purpose is to occasionally help someone up who needs it. That might be a bunch of crap, but hey, everyone is entitled to their own delusion. Besides...whether I help someone because of a mystical destiny or just because I owe the universe for over a decade of hedonism, the end result is the same. I'm stubborn and hard to kill...might as well put that to good use.

I don't bullshit someone in pain. I may not be able to recollect much of the past 10 or 15 years, but I remember what "rock bottom" feels like, and I remember what I did not want to hear. There is nothing like positive affirmations from the misguided to really send you into a rage when you're down. Forced optimism is more depressing than actual depression.

"Hang in there!" - As much as I love ridiculous pictures of cats, if you show me one of those with the kitten hanging for dear life and those three words on it, it tends to make me reconsider my opposition to violence.

Bitch, put down the camera and help me.

"Smile!" - If you're an individual who likes to walk by a coworker's cubicle and tell them to smile first thing in morning (or at any point in the day), I don't think you're aware how close you have come to enduring a stapler bludgeoning. Oh, and guys: "You look prettier when you smile"? Just go ahead and say, "Hey, it's harder to sexually harass you when you're all down and stuff. It's kind of a buzz kill." Asshats.

I think the worst one to hear is the most common one people say: "It gets better." Hearing this sucks because it comes from someone who (you think) isn't going through what you are and hasn't been where you are. How would you know? Don't blow smoke up my ass! And then, when it inevitably does get better, you still feel like telling them, "Oh fuck off, you didn't know." I think we just don't like some people to be right, because we don't want advice. Don't try to fix me, just recognize I'm broken.

The truth is, it will get better. Eventually. And then it will get worse at some point. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but our brains can completely forget this when we're down in a hole. Your fears and thoughts can cripple you and send you into a spiral that you don't think you'll recover from or even survive. And this all sucks because it's in our heads not real, and we hurt ourselves way more than the actual thing we fear will. We put ourselves through hell based on the perceived possibility of purgatory.

Four years ago, I was a junkie and lost my job, my apartment and the woman I loved. I was staying on a friend's couch, and I was sure that was it for me. If I had a gun, I would have killed myself. Okay, actually, I would have sold it and bought heroin. But if I had TWO guns...it was bad. At the time, I considered it the worst moment of my life. I was wrong.

It got better. Then, 6 months later, I overdosed while living at my father's house after being sober for a month. Dad happened to come home from work and saved my life. When I woke up in the emergency room, I had a brand new "rock bottom".

(The only real rock bottom is death. Things can always get worse.)

Things improved. Because of that I went to rehab...started over in a new city. I made good decisions and poor decisions. Life went on. Due to getting arrested for public intoxication in 2012 while still on felony DWI probation, I had to come back to Austin and go to jail. While in county lockup, I was told I would have to do a 5 month alcohol and drug treatment program and remain incarcerated and that I wasn't going back to my established life in San Antonio. I had lost everything again. And being sober in jail allowed me to really feel this low moment making it way worse than when I was strung out all the time.

About a month later, while still in the custody of Travis County, I had a high point. I had begun to rebuild my thought process without being heavily medicated by booze or drugs, and I was reading Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, laughing hysterically. Even though I was in the middle of an awful place with questionable people and dressed in reject nurse scrubs, I was happy at that moment. Another moment was being able to host the open mic again at the Velveeta Room a couple of weeks ago. It was a very "everything in its right place" moment for me. In fact, I have a brief feeling of euphoria every time I skate to or from work. The highlight of my day is usually when I'm on a skateboard.

And that is how it will go for whatever amount of life I have left. I'm going to enjoy those ups and fight through those downs. A low point is coming, and I can't stop that. While I do wish sometimes I had an option again to escape feeling shitty, I am completely comfortable with feeling now. That's the problem with heavy alcohol and drug consumption/abuse...and for some, with prescriptions you probably don't need. You stay even keel and numb so you can avoid pain and sadness...and you also avoid pleasure and happiness. It took me a long time to figure that out. Everyone is different, so I don't want tell you what you need. For me, being able to enjoy those beautiful moments in my life fully is worth the ordeal of completely feeling those times of despair. I just have to remember to keep fighting when everything just sucks.

I think I just wrote a big long positive affirmation that would probably make me roll my eyes if it came from someone else. I don't know if anyone will get something from this or not, and I probably would have been fine with instead posting the lyrics to R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts". Truthfully, the main reason I wrote this tonight was for me to read in the future when life takes a turn. So, John, when you read this, take it from someone you'll listen to (you, dummy): It gets better. Hang in there.

You don't have to smile, though. Fuck that.

Nice Try, Kid.

I mentioned in a previous entry that I work with a new dishwasher that is young and energetic. He doesn't know this, but I call him Kid Dynamite when he is not around. He is a go-getter, that one.

On our first shift together last week, I think he was a little nervous, because he was super chatty, and some of what he said was obviously bullshit. Kid Dynamite and I had the following exchange:


Kid: "Sometimes when my buddy and I are at a party, we like to mess with people and make them really uncomfortable..."

Okay, right there I know whatever you are about to say is not true. Unless you are at a party full of real assholes do you immediately play the "make it awkward" card, especially when there is still available booze on hand. Maybe if you were about to bail and you were bored, I can see that. But hey, go ahead.

Kid: "...so, what we do is go up and ask people, 'hey, do you have any aluminum foil' or 'can you spare a needle' and start scoping the bathroom. It really freaks people out."

Me: "Yes, I imagine it would."

Kid: "It's really funny, man."

Me:  "Sure. Hey you know..." (pause)

Kid: "What's up?"

Me: "Well, here's the thing. I don't really know of many junkies that use foil. I mean, even if you're not carrying a spoon when you normally do you can find a bottle cap to use, especially in this town. Also, heroin people don't just use any random needle from a stranger, assuming they have them. We're pretty particular of our syringes in regards to gauge and whether they're short or long needles. So much, in fact, that we're willing to risk getting an infection due to not completely sterilizing our syringes. See?"

I showed him this.

Kid: "..."

Me: "Yeah, that was a close call for me. Spent two weeks in a hospital and almost lost my arm. Anyway, what you should do is ask people randomly in the middle of a conversation if they have any Q-tips."

Kid: "Q-tips?"

Me: "Sure. You pull off some of the Q-tip, ball it up and drop it in your spoon to act as a filter when you're cooking up. Of course, that's not common non-junkie knowledge, so they might not get it...but it would be more accurate."

Kid: "..."


We washed dishes in silence for about 15 minutes after that. I hope he was taking mental notes, because THAT is how you make somebody "really uncomfortable."

The Cat

I had Lucy for 12 years. She was a little black Manx cat with plenty of attitude and tolerance of her boozy owner. She was an amazing little creature.

When she became sick, she hid under the futon and sat in her own urine and feces. And rather than take her to the vet, I debated what to do while I continued to use heroin and not deal with anything. It was a sad, disrespectful way to treat a beloved pet...doing nothing.

The guilt, shame and regret of this broadsided me while I was in rehab over a year later when I vocalized my feelings in my small group. It must have been an interesting sight to see me do so to a group of hardcore drug addicts, some of whom were federal criminals/dealers with the Mexican Mafia (two are still friends of mine). My counselor believed I was actually projecting guilt from hurting friends and family, but no, I'm pretty sure I felt worse for not helping Lucy than anything else I had done.

Time passed...I resolved my guilt, worked on myself, confronted fears and so on and so forth. After I was in a position to take care of myself, I began to have the urge to be a pet owner again. However, I wasn't living somewhere that I found it appropriate to be a cat owner. I was either in a sober house (no pets) or renting a room from someone.

I found myself able to adopt a cat this month after 4 years of not having one. I wanted to support Austin Pets Alive!, and I didn't want to go the kitten route. I stopped in at the Hancock Center Petco where APA had a little "cat booth." There were a couple of outgoing felines there, but the one that caught my eye was a Torbie hiding in a little cubby that wanted nothing to do with me as a stranger there. I'm not sure if I fell for her playing hard to get or if I just related to her general disinterest in people, but I knew that was the cat for me. Her description read: "I can be a bit shy at first, but once I get to know you, I really love to hang out and gossip!" She was also a long-stay resident, most likely because she wasn't one to do the song and dance in front of prospective owners. The Austin Pets Alive! staff member was excited that I wanted to adopt her, and she said that the cat in question was a sweetheart and to be patient with her.

I named the cat Marla. Surprise, surprise.

I was happy the trip from the Hancock Center to Sandstone Apartments was fast, because Marla sounded traumatized in the pet carrier. I let her out in my place and she immediately burrowed under the couch...where she didn't move all night. I called to her, and I talked her ear off most of the night. Having her there was beneficial because technically now I wasn't talking to myself anymore. Friends asked for a picture, so I sent them this:

"I think he just bought a cat box and food dish. There's no cat there."

I wanted to be patient, but I was concerned that she needed to eat, drink, pee and poop at some point. I tilted the couch on its back, and since there was no lining underneath it, Marla climbed inside the couch...but at least I could see her now. She let me pet her while she meowed in a very concerned tone.
I went back to Petco to get suggestions from the APA rep. She suggested moving her to the bathroom as it's a smaller space. It would be easier to adjust to as opposed to the big open area of the living room/kitchen/bedroom. She also mentioned that if she still wasn't eating, try giving her Fancy Feast as it's basically kitty crack. As I skated back home, I didn't like the idea of picking her up by her scruff and moving her to the bathroom. In my mind, she was still in shock from the move, and I figured grabbing her would just freak her out more.

I arrived home, and she was no longer in the couch. In fact, she had disappeared. She was not under my bed or the dresser. I don't have much stuff...there's no place really to hide. I finally found her. She was behind the toilet...she'd already found her way to the bathroom without encouragement. Weird. I moved her food and the cat box into the bathroom as well as the cubby I bought her that was identical to the one she slept in at Petco. It took only a couple of hours in there for her to eat some and use the cat box. By the second evening, she was letting me pet her as long as I was sitting down. If I stood up, I apparently turned into a big scary monster.

By day three, she was tired of the bathroom and was ready to brave the great big outdoors, aka the apartment. She spent the majority of the time in her cubby, but she still found her way under the couch once the sun came up. I fixed that by removing the pegs so that the couch sat flat on the floor. Marla switched to just hiding behind the curtains and looking out the window at night.

Marla has made progress every day. During the day she sleeps in the cubby, occasionally giving a look if you HAVE to walk by and wake her. She is very active at night, especially when I get home between midnight and 1 am. She requires me to pet her quite a bit, and then I watch her eat. She used to meow just when she was distressed, but now it is very conversational, and it's a hesitating shy meow, and it's the most adorable sound in the whole damn world.

I do have an issue with her not letting me take her picture. I can only get pictures of her facing the opposite direction or in motion, like these:

Nope.

Bigfoot?

Blurry demon-possessed face

Not turning around.

Maybe she wants me to not turn into someone who Instagrams every single thing she does. Maybe she's a diva. Maybe I have a phone she disapproves of, and she's aware that I should switch from Cricket to a different provider. Whatever the reason, it's fine. I'm just happy she really likes me now after being here a week. I've missed this feeling. I've missed being a cat owner.

If you're looking to adopt a pet, I highly recommend Austin Pets Alive!. They really care about their animals, their staff is friendly and knowledgeable, and they have a whole range of cats and dogs that need good homes. If you can't adopt, feel free to donate.

Thanks, Austin Pets Alive!, and thanks, Marla (APA name "Beth").


UPDATE: She has discovered the furniture. She jumped up on my bed twice last night to lie beside me, but as soon as I woke up and saw her, she meowed a cat expletive and ran off.

Also, she has claimed the chair as her own. Because of this, I was able to get a picture. Look how happy she is being photographed:

Good kitty.

Zen and the Art of Dishwashing

After being short handed at work for a while, two new faces appeared in the dishpit tonight. Well, one new face and one old one...my old coworker was back after a multiple month hiatus. He jumped right back into the swing of things like he never left. The new kid was a dishwasher and bar back, and it was obvious that he had worked in busy establishments before. We were a machine tonight with a consistent hum of productive teamwork. Beautiful.

The new kid was excited and motivated to an almost creepy level. Do you remember in "Field of Dreams" when Kevin Costner and James Earl Jones are driving back to the farm, and they pick up Archie Graham as a kid? And he was cheery and upbeat about playing ball? That was this kid, seriously. "I just read this book called Dishwasher," he started.
"By Pete Jordan, yeah," I said.
"You've read it? Cool! A fellow dish dog!"
"Sure, kid. Whatever."
While it was off-putting, I found it to be a refreshing change.

We haven't been down an employee at work because of a managerial decision or because there was no ad placed. We've been looking. Pretty much the only qualification you needed to get a tryout in the dishpit was that you had to be breathing. Unfortunately, the revolving door of individuals that showed either left after one or two shifts or they were just breathers, not workers. One guy had told the chef, "Oh, I've washed dishes before." After seeing him in action, I can only assume he meant at home. The job I have is not one where you spray water on some plates, give a light scrub and send them through a machine at your leisure. "I've washed dishes" is like applying for a line cook position in a busy kitchen and saying in the interview, "Oh, I've made mac'n'cheese. I can work a microwave."

It's a hell of a gig that involves food prep in addition to all the lifting and speedy scrubbing/washing. You're on your own attempting to finish all the tasks that need to be completed while keeping up with dirty plates, bowls and cutlery that streams in constantly from the front of the house. It's a combination of planning out what you need to do in advance like chess moves while participating in a workout program.

Crossfit? Weight room? Not me...I have Dishfit! How do you think I keep this physique? Oh sure, you might say it's high metabolism, hereditary, smoking or past heroin addiction. All might be (are) true. But here's a fact: before Dishfit, I was a pudgy 145 pounds. Now, I'm a lean, cut (some say emaciated) 139 pounds! (Wow. I feel woozy. I should eat some ice cream or something. Be right back.)

If you follow the Dishfit program for just 8 to 10 hours a day, this could be you:

"Dishfit worked for me. Yay." - skinny dude

Here is just a sample of the equipment you will work with:

The squats and dead lift pot! (Get a spotter)

Racks for curls and triceps extension!

Your delts or your somethings get worked by constantly closing and opening this. 400 reps a day, easy.

Strengthen your fingers and grip for no real reason!

Cause massive damage to potatoes and leave your arms and shoulders sore as fuck!

These fill up and give your legs a work out! Or your back if you lift them wrong!

Dishfit. It's not just a way of life. It's...manual labor!

But I digress.

What I say onstage is that I am a dishwasher because I refuse to be a corporate slave and have my soul die slowly in a cubicle every day. I also wash dishes because I am a convicted felon. But more because of that corporate slave thingy. The reality is that I couldn't find another job after rehab because of the felony, among other things. For some reason, the ending scene of "Office Space" stuck in my head, which was where Peter was happy doing manual labor as opposed to being in a cloth-covered box. That along with "Fight Club" (both book and movie) led me in the direction of working in a kitchen. I wasn't a cook, so that left dishwashing. It felt right.

In "Layer Cake", a gangster explains why he enjoys disassembling and reassembling his guns as meditation. He says, "Meditation is concentrating the front of the mind with a mundane task so the rest of the mind can find peace." That is what my profession does for me. I turn off my phone, cut "the world" off, and do my work. For 8 hours or so, I am alone with my thoughts, or I work and think of absolutely nothing. And at the end of it all, I walk out with the slate in my head wiped as clean as the dishpit, machine and kitchen. There is something to doing a job where you see the results of your labor immediately and you can leave, satisfied. Hell, I leave, and it all stays behind. I don't take work home with me. It falls off my shoulders in the ten minutes it takes for me to skateboard home.

I can't have a day job. I can't do some dumb bullshit for money that I hate anymore. Not now that I finally get it, being a "dish dog" as Pete Jordan calls it. This is my profession. I don't do it for the money anymore...but I do need to pay for things so I suppose I'll take payment.

That's why I go back every night and why some of those other guys disappeared after one or two shifts. They just needed a job, and after attempting mine they needed an easier job. It's not for everybody. I hope the new kid tonight keeps up the enthusiasm. I know he wants to eventually move to bar back, but he's thrilled to be doing dish, and I've missed seeing that in any fashion in a coworker or potential coworker.

I was tempted a couple of weeks ago to ask management to let me post the ad on Craigslist, listing the description and job qualifications as I saw them. While it probably would not have generated the buzz I would want, I would be curious to see the replies.

Here is a typical dishwashing ad that I pulled up (not my work's ad, btw):

Looking for a reliable, hardworking individual with full availability. Must be responsible for your own transportation and be able to lift at least 50 lbs.  Duties include dish and pot washing, regular upkeep and maintenance, and deep cleaning. Must have a current food handler certification.

Fun.

I think I would take it in a different direction:

Looking for an individual who seeks to transcend this materialistic and impersonal society. Searching for a potential employee who would like to have conventions, assumptions and perceptions destroyed swiftly so that they can rebuild physically, mentally and emotionally. Through the trials and tribulations of this daily labor, the preferable candidate can elevate their consciousness until their true self is revealed. This ideal person should be prepared for a life-changing ordeal, and they should have an open mind...and also a current food handler certification.

Too much?